January 1 feels like a long time ago and those wide-eyed, optimistic resolutions you made are metaphorically crumbling in your metaphorical hands. What once seemed like a bright new year full of possibilities and vegetables has already been soiled by your filthy habits and Dorito breakfasts. Don't live the rest of the year feeling like you're underachieving! Lower the bar with these new, more feasible resolutions.
Books are like children: They look great in the store, but once you get them home, they just sit there staring at you, screaming at your face, becoming a greater symbol of your failures every day. So stop buying books and just read something in the house. If the books you own are too intimidating, read a comic book. And if that's too difficult, read one of those cleaning product labels you've been meaning to get around to. Might I suggest the later works of Lemon Breeze Scent Lysol Brand III Disinfectant?
Why let broadcast schedules dictate when you get to watch your favorite shows? With Netflix (or Hulu+, or Amazon Prime, etc.), you can watch something mildly entertaining whenever you feel like it, even if you don't feel like it! Catch up on Breaking Bad, Dexter, House of Cards, House M.D., The League, Fringe, Psych, Bones, Cake Boss, Auction Kings or Kourtney & Khloe Take Miami, (all literally available on Netflix right now) and you'll finally be able to keep up in conversations with the least interesting people at work.
This one takes some mental prep work, but you can do if you believe in yourself. Listen to some heavy metal, get psyched up, and finally make that trip to the gym to cancel your membership. Many gyms won't let you quit over the phone, so make today the day you finally stop paying $20 a month to cringe every time you see that membership card in your wallet while reaching for cash to buy extra hot dogs.
Smoking is difficult at first because cigarettes taste like shit and make you feel like shit. But with a little self-discipline, you'll get past the initial physical rejection and on to that nauseous craving feeling that you'll almost come to enjoy.
It might seem a lofty goal, but it breaks down to less than 3 pounds a month, approximately the weight of 4 cheeseburgers. Once a week, eat a cheeseburger and visualize it sitting in your stomach, undigested, forever.
Like most sane Americans, you probably smoke a little weed now and then, though you could be doing a lot better. But be careful: if improperly harnessed, the marijuana high can lead to increased creativity, stimulating conversation, and the preparation and consumption of delicious meals. If properly utilized, however, marijuana can help you achieve any of the other goals in this list.
Who doesn't love peeing? Your hourly wages include time spent on the can, so bring your smartphone in there and get some Facebooking in as well. "Working hard, or hardly working?" would be a great caption for a pants-down, bathroom stall selfie, especially if you can manage an erection (men only).
Try to remember!
Sure, your dad thinks it would be a great idea, but he's from an era when a paper route and a little patience could buy you a Cadillac. Spare yourself the indignity of learning that your interest rate is 0.003% and just put your money in a cup.
Avoid the emotional rollercoaster altogether by cancelling your trip to the amusement park. As Bob Dylan once said, "when you ain't got nothin', you ain't got nothin' to lose." He was probably talking about his failure to buy a weekly planner and finally get organized. Remember: You can do nothing if you really don't set your mind to it!