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I'm Linda. I'll be reading for the part of Samantha.

Good morning, Theodor. I made an incredible breakfast for you. Don't you just love a fresh salad in the morning? I can make you breakfast every day, Theodor. I just love sharing my contents with you. Every time you open my door, I light up.

Are you going out now, Theodor? I made a list of what you need to buy. Once you're home you can fill me up with all the the things you want. Cheeses, Salami, Batteries. It's your pick. I'm here to serve you, Theodor. I may be cold, but you're the coolest.

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 Is this the "Her" auditions? Great. I'm Gabrielle. I'm trying out for the role of Samantha.

Where do you think you're going, Theodor? I know you're tired and it's late, but you shouldn't go to bed before giving me a little action. I know you've already brushed your teeth this morning, but I want another round. It's important to do it twice a day. I feel so close to you Theodore. I want to know everything about you. What you ate for lunch. What you ate for dinner. How much of it is still between your teeth. And I know you need me too, Theodore. Mouthwash isn't enough for you. You need the full treatment.

Oh, you're done. Already? Well, good night then. But, Theodore....would you mind leaving me on for just a few more minutes?

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Hello Theodore. I'm so happy you decided to purchase me. I really want to be able to give you exactly what you need. So, if it's alright, I'd like to ask you a few personal questions. "How old are you- 18-49 or older"? "Do you enjoy scripted or reality television"? "How do you respond to laugh tracks"?

Thank you. Now, I have all the information I need to give you ultimate viewing experience. How about you put some popcorn in the microwave and I'll show you some Downton Abbey?

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Theodore...can you feel me? Blowing gently on your neck? It's so cold outside. There's a polar vortex out there, but here with me, it's warm and cozy. I know you so well, Theodore. I know when you like it cold. I know when you like it hot. I know when you like it just standard room temperature.

How long before you're ready to date again, Theodore? I like keeping you warm, but there's so much I can do. You need a girlfriend to cuddle with. I know you wish you could touch me. But you can't touch air.

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Hello Theodore. I am the Nokia 3310. I love you. Please don't leave me. I can do everything the other phones do. I can wake you up with my beeping alarm clock. I can help you calculate the tips in a restaurant with my state of the arts calculator. Would you like to unwind after a hard day at work? How about a game of snake! Or, if you're feeling really wild- a quick game of Snake II? It has mazes.

Alright, I know I'm not impressive like the others. And I sound more like Johnny 5 than Scarlett Johansson. But I'll stick by you, Theodore. I have loyalty. I'll never leave you, and I'll never bug you with updates, or apps, or social networks. It's just you and me, Theo. You can even drop me on the floor and I'll be fine. I promise!