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Hey, you're a freshman! You're looking to meet some new people, you're up for anything, and some laaaadies ;-) ;-0 (AWOOOOGAH!!!)  invited you to some swing-dance thing on a Tuesday night in a small weird rec room on campus where some SWINGIN' folding tables are stored!


OH WAIT! You hate regular dancing, let alone
specific, skilled dancing to songs you don't know, and now you don't have the luxury of leaving the dancefloor to go get another beer or loudly singing along to a song you like to avoid having to dance for a couple seconds. Also, there's four couples decked out in full-on swing-swag dancing like pros. I guess you can kill some time making fun of them?


Also, what were you expecting to happen? You'd dance really well and the girls would be like "Oooh, good swing dancing! Let's hook up,
daddy-O"? Just go home and watch Swingers by yourself and forget this ever seemed like a good idea.

 

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Some friends of yours off-campus are throwing a "20's Speakeasy" themed party, and everyone's going, so if you wanna impress those Flappers and Dames and whatever else they called ladies back then ("Shiny Roosevelts"?), you're GONNA have to hit up a thrift store, buy a pinstriped suit, slick back your hair, and don a loud, self-aware fedora, because it's a theme party, after all.


Time for your big entrance! UHHH-OHHH! The only people who actually dressed up are the two roommates, wearing vaguely kinda-flapper-looking dresses they already owned, and one giant dude in a regular t-shirt who's wearing a black plastic top hat until he tries to put it on some other girl and it rips in half.


And if you think you look like an idiot
now, just wait til your friends leave after 20 minutes to go to some other party and you have to explain why you're holding a fedora to everyone you encounter for the rest of the night.

 

 

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A guy on your dorm floor is performing in an A Cappella concert tonight, and that doesn't
totally interest you, but you're not doing anything else and figure you should support your pals' creative interests, and Pitch Perfect was a fun movie. How bad could this be?


You crowd into the Music Building classroom where the 'concert' is being held, sit Indian-style five feet away from the performers, and welcome the first of the sixteen groups, "Clef Boyardee", performing their all-vocal rendition of Macklemore's "Can't Hold Us". It's...not so bad! They re-appropriated a pop song without music, and it's whimsical and impressive. Until you realize that's all this concert is, over and over again with slightly different songs, 570 consecutive times.


"Y'know, I really appreciate the talent that requires," you think to yourself as you leave for the bathroom, never to return.

 

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You're newly 21 so you don't have much alcohol-buying experience, but you CAN spot a deal when you see one, and $3.99 for a full handle of liquor is a steal, even if you've never heard of... Martha's Meadow 'Golden Trophy' Dragonfruit Schnapps? Eh, how bad could that taste, really? If anything, that "Dragon" kinda makes it sound tough. Screw it! Give it a try!


CUT TO: You, sitting alone, taking shots of the schnapps after all your friends gave up trying it, chasing each sip with an entire beer in vain hopes of disguising the taste. You've made your schnapps-bed, now you have to painfully-drink-sleep in it.

 

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If you're in college, you don't have to drink! In fact, I didn't drink at all my freshman year ("Who, YOU?? The cool-ass dude typin' dumb shit on a website?") I know, hard to believe but it's true!


That said, nothing drove me to drinking faster than blowing a weekend night in our campus' "Fun Drinking Alternatives" zone, which involved, to my vague recollection, playing a game of Risk with a stranger where all the pieces were somehow macaroni art we were making and a plane-quality movie played nearby on a wheel-out monitor. That also might've been a David Lynch dream sequence from some movie, but regardless, point made.

 

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Oop, never mind, you feel like an idiot.



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Oop, never mind, you feel like an idiot.



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Nope, still feel like an idiot.



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It's likely you will do more than one of these in your lifetime, but they'll all follow the same exact pattern: Excitement at the prospects of getting super-drunk in an whimsical fashion, quickly giving way to "oh man, gotta push through this," and ultimately culminating with you making yourself disgustingly full and somehow not even drunk for the remainder of the night.


But that 1-minute-at-a-time playlist was pretty fun! Until you stopped listening to the music 20 minutes in and started screaming at clocks for going too fast.

 

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WOOOO!!! TOTALLY STOLE A "YIELD" SIGN NEAR A BANK!!! WERE THE COPS ON OUR TAIL??? WHO CARES MAN, WE'RE YOUNG AND COOL AND LIKE, IN THAT SMASHING PUMPKINS '1979' MUSIC VIDEO N' SHIT!!!


Let's decorate our living room with the Yield Sign! Hey partygoers, check it out, it's a Yield Sign! What's that doing in our apartment? Haha, telling you to YIELD and stuff, that's what. YEAHH! No, it doesn't make the place look like a TGI Friday's, shut up. It's cool.

 

[2 months later] Anyone want this Yield Sign? It's dusty as hell.