Well, shit, you guys! Sherlock's back and making up for lost time by upping the funnies and giving us bluer balls than ever. First of all, Hi Benedict! It's simply wonderful to see you and also hello John, I guess, I hear your wife-lady is in this season. Okay, enough of this, let's go!

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It's the Riddle of St. Barts, solved before our very eyes! Sherlock phones John as a rooftop confidant scurries Jim Moriarty's corpse away so some Face/Off stuff can happen to Jim that Nic Cage would have been super into. A tethered Sherlock drops and bounces back through a window of St. Barts and kisses a waiting Molly Hooper right on the mouth! Oh boy! shout I, as I realize this is all just a wild deduction itself, as imagined by Zach Braff lookalike and beej-enthusiast, Anderson. "Dead is dead!" explains Lestat, handsome detective inspector and also vampire. Anderson mentions that it's been two years since Holmes' fall and the men toast to Sherlock with their coffees and not with alcohol, which we all know is bad juju.

A wildebeest flees and is caught and beaten by some folks in Russian-style hats. The beest is Sherlock, and behind him is Mycroft, just letting these dudes beat the shit out of Sherlock for a quick sec. They quibble as Holmeses do and then Mycroft says some sort of badass line about Baker Street, which ushers in the ill-fitting theme song and I am happy for once in my life. Mycroft sits in a dark yet fittingly fabulous office as Sherlock gets a close shave and the brothers sing "Pretty Women" from Sweeney Todd, ironically, of course. Mycroft mentions that London's in trouble for the first time in two years. Sherlock gets dressed for some reason and casually asks about John as if it's not all Sherlock's been thinking about for twenty-four months. Mycroft's limo-lady appears and tosses over a folder labeled "John-stuff" and man, this chick can throw some masterful shade. Sherlock sees John's mustachioed headshot and mutters something about Tumblr.

 
Oh yeah, there's a mustache on John's face now. John rides the tube and his life sucks except for that he has a nice job and a nice girlfriend with a chic haircut and things seem pretty okay for him barring the eternal sadness he feels at all times. John visits Una Stubbs/Mrs. Hudson (Stubbson?) and we learn that not only has she not rented out their flat for two years, she's kept an appropriate amount of gross mold and dust on things. John screams that he's not gay before slamming the door on Mrs. Hudson who literally didn't even say anything. "Of course not, love," she calls, applying some new dust to a pile of leather vests and other super gay memorabilia that the men left behind.

Salsa music is playing and it's exciting and sexual. What happens next is a heaping spoonful of Cumberbatchy goodness, as John is spotted and Sherlock prepares to pounce. He swipes a bow tie, scribbles on a mustache, dons some thick framed glasses because he's a fucking tease. Sherlock tangos right up to John and is trying to be all romantic. "A recommendation, Monsieur? We have a Merlot that tastes as if SHERLOCK HOLMES WERE ALIVE!" he shouts, knocking over an entire table as a candle sets a curtain on fire and the whole place collapses. "No thanks, water is fine," John says, nervous and dumb. Mary arrives and John is super British as tries to put a ring on it. Sherlock returns and this time John recognizes him and has a mental breakdown. Sherlock wipes away his Sharpie mustache and I proclaim "oh, does John's also wipe off?" right as Sherlock says the same, confirming conclusively that we should be together forever. John fumes and stays quiet but this mustache crack was just too far. The music picks up again as John and Sherlock start salsa dancing or wrestling or whatever. Cut to a café where Sherlock tries to again explain the desertion of his life partner. It's a few seconds in and they're dance-fighting again, only to dance right into a deli. Here the conversation continues and boy, this Sherlock guy sure can't take a hint! Mary mentions that she hates John's mustache and also that she likes Sherlock and John's like, "uh, yeah, he's amazing" as he knuckles an S  inside a heart on the foggy window of their cab.

Sherlock is back in action and making the rounds. He stands in the women's locker room at the morgue to see Molly. He finds Lestat out at night (of course); Lestat calls Sherlock a bastard and goes for the neck. Sherlock returns to Baker Street and Mrs. Hudson screams and for some reason we get, like, five gross close-ups of this old lady's mouth. Cut to, once again, another version of the fall at St. Barts. Sherlock and a living, breathing Jim Moriarty sit and giggle as a dummy falls from the roof. What an adorable hoax! The dudes feel exhilarated and infinite as they lean in to taste each other's genius and --NO!! It's all a fanfic by this Gothic bird who needs to write a highly-descriptive book on this subject, ASAP. Anderson berates the lady as a mass text confirms that Sherlock lives! And Anderson probably cries and calls his mom.

At home with the Watsons, Mary teases John about ditching his lip pelt. "I don't shave for Sherlock Holmes," says John, as he shaves for Sherlock Holmes.

Here's where the episode truly begins, with Mycroft and Sherlock playing chess at 221B, which we can only assume is a waste of time. Pretending that a game of strategy is a challenge for Sherlock Holmes is like pretending I'm going to share this box of donuts with friends or any other person at all. They move on to Operation for the sake of some weak puns and then ooh! It's a Deduction-Off! A hat gets tossed to and fro, brother to brother, as facts and presumptions are quickly recited. Mycroft's got some serious game for a man who walks with an umbrella like a cane. They deduce the hat to ashes and Sherlock says he's concerned that his brother might be lonely and wants him to date a goldfish?

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A cheeky montage occurs of John telling Sherlock to fuck off in a variety of ways. Molly fills in for John as John spends his days as a doctor for people with odd sexual ailments only. Oh, and Molly is the cutest! Sherlock solves some in-house cases and at one point gives a lady a lawyer's business card procured straight from Sherlock's own sleeve. Nice. The cut-to's between Watson and Holmes continue as Gatiss and Moffat laugh at us from their balcony like a British Statler and Waldorf. I see what you're doing here, gentlemen, and my simple brain is eating it up. At one point, John assaults a pirate Santa with an undetermined accent and a big bag of porn and this scene is labeled as WTF Just Happened? in the respected Sherlock archives.

Next, Lestat calls Sherlock and Molly over to the set of Tales from the Crypt. Sherlock does his normal poking about but hears an internal voice bullying him as if he were some sort of woman on any given day of her life. Molly does some Sherlocking herself, and it turns out that the whole scene is nothing but a life-size diorama; a fake crime scene. They are then called to the hat-owner's house to see his trains and hear a new puzzle. Sherlock gets half chubbed as he's shown footage of a bloke boarding the car of a train, traveling to the next stop and never reemerging. Sherlock takes the case and they leave. In the hall, Sherlock whispers a thank you to Molly for all her help two years prior. She's engaged now and Sherlock loves her in his hyper-platonic way. Meanwhile, a Dexter has recently stuck a syringe into John's unknowing neck, and he is effortlessly captured and dragged off as only the sidekick of Sherlock Holmes could. Often.

John's fiancee gets a mystery text that she instantly knows how to decipher. She goes to 221B right away to brag to Sherlock that somebody thought to text her with a John riddle and not him. Save John Watson Now! the message says, and anyone who says Sherlock wouldn't sacrifice anything for John needs to see this scene because at Mary's news he drops his fish and chips on the floor. Do you GET IT NOW? ask the writers, done trying to convince you. John's lovers are out the door and in the street as we learn that not only can Benedict Cumberbatch ride a horse, the Enterprise and a fast fast car, but he can ride a motorcycle with a lady on the back like so many young Marlons Brando. #SherlockLives.

They ride down stairs, they ride around police, they ride past Benjamin Button enjoying his backwards youth. Holmes zooms on until he sees a group of droogs salivating at the mouth for cooked man flesh. He and Mary hop off the bike and let it plow into the crowd. They start digging at a burning pile of V for Vendetta DVD's as one single child mentions that perhaps something is unsavory about the tortured human cries from within the rubble. #JohnLives.

Cut back to Baker Street, and if it isn't The Ventham-Carlton-Cumberbatches themselves! This crystalline-eyed vixen and her cavalier husband wiggled their butts together nigh-on thirty-something years ago to bring young Benedict in to the world in real life, so the least he could do is shove them out the door in the television progrum that put him on the map. Rude! John asks who the couple be. "The 'rents," says Sherlock stupidly, because this is a stupid abbreviation the media has made us use and recognize. Sherlock mentions that Mycroft had wanted Sherlock to take mom and dad to see Les Miserables, as if Mycroft had no interest and didn't know the harmonies to "Little Fall of Rain" since birth. "Sure they're not going to see War Horse?" asks John with the most meta smile of all time. "Or August: Osage County? Or Doubt?" he adds. "I wasn't in Doubt." mumbles the tall one.

Sherlock and John FaceTime© with the train nerd and they all validate that the footage of the train shows it reemerging at the next station with one car less than when the dude boarded. "There's nothing down there, Mr. Holmes," pleads train nerd. "Nothing except for a perfectly accessible and deserted tunnel with a working track." Sherlock's lack of faith in the normal man is justified. Holmes and Watson steal away onto the tracks as John attempts to call the police but Sherlock swallows John's phone to dissuade him. They board the underground train car and start sniffing about for explosives. Sherlock follows a wire to find that the whole car is a bomb! He tracks it down to a big boom box bomb in the floor like in the movies. The boys bicker about who knows less about bomb diffusing and get raw with one another, fast. John decides he can't make it out in time and oops! I guess they have to die together, probably holding hands and maybe even looking into each other's eyes, for science? They stress and worry and try to climb into their respective mind palaces but there's no vacancy. Sherlock apologizes for real about pulling such a fun-loving prank on John back in 2012. John crawls into the fetalist of positions and prepares to accept the icy grip of Death's bony fist. "LOL!!!" yells Sherlock, firing off a confetti gun and popping the rest of a cupcake into his mouth. He flips a switch with his dick and the bomb powers down. Sherlock giggles at John like he's a viral video of a baby eating her first lemon and I realize that Sherlock is actually kind of an asshole.

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Somewhere in between is footage that Anderson has recorded of Sherlock 'splaining the fall. He mentions that there were thirteen potential outcomes once on the roof, which I suppose means we'll be seeing all thirteen throughout the season. Oh boy, am I ready to move on from this. This one depicts Holmes planning his actions way in advance, like months before. "Lazarus" called for a soft landing, lots of spies, John coming to at the right moment and a small ball jammed under Holmes' arm that I'd like to purchase off eBay if the Prop Dept. is listening. Two years later, Sherlock pulls on his deer-stalker to mingle with the paparazzi, and is being watched by a new villain in a cave of televisions. How intriguing and delightful!

Misc.: Oh Lord, how I hope that the last two years found Sherlock on a nude beach in Persia with Irene Adler. I believe Mary tells Stubbson that the Watson nuptials will happen in May, which means a six month jump between this episode and the next. As for "Lazarus," the code name refers to St. Lazarus of Bethany, the man Jesus Christ brought back from the dead in --what else but-- the Gospel of John. Gatiss, you rascal!