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This is the guy you try to avoid at all costs and pray you do not become.  He likes to stand next to you at the urinal and ask you how your mother is.  This guy usually is harmless but he doesn't understand social cues.  He may ask if you want to hang out this weekend.  Which in a normal setting is totally cool, but it's a different story when you both are holding your dicks at a very close proximity.  You oblige and say "yea bro I'll check my calendar".  He is also persistent.  You have a follow up email from him the second you return to your desk with the Subject line: 80's Party This Weekend.  You reluctantly oblige and RSVP.  You show up and he's dressed like John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever.  You leave immediately.  This fateful 2 minute encounter turns into a whole weekend of mind numbing shit and could have all been avoided had you sat down to pee.

 

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This guy is usually upper level management and grew up using communal showers in high school He will come into the bathroom while you are the only one in there and pick the urinal right next to you.  Guys, come on you know the feeling of almost peeing and then have it sucked right back up into you.  It hurts.  Ladies, this is our equivalent to childbirth.  He usually urinates with his hands on his hips and groans while looking up at the ceiling.  If you are not uncomfortable yet, you will be.  This dude will fart continuously through out and has no consideration for you or your highly sensitive nose.  By the time he is done you are in so much pain from halting your urine stream and physically faint from the smell of his gas that you lose all interest in finishing.  This is when you become the guy who sits to pee from here on out. 

 

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This is the guy you run into on the way to the bathroom and follows you in just to talk.  He DOES not have to use the bathroom.  He will usually stand behind you at the urinal and try and show you videos of his kid on a tricycle.  That shit has three wheels ain't nothing special about it.  Unicycle, you got my full attention.  This guy also has no regard that you drank 5 different types of alcohol the night before and you are shitting your brains out in the most painful way possible.  The smell will not deter this type of person.  After you hear about what he had for lunch last week that "blew his fucking mind", you want to blow yours.  Had you sat to pee you would have drowned out his story about his uneventful shopping spree at OshKosh bGosh and the almond pretzel he got on the way to his car.  You will get back to your desk in an anxious and slightly bad mood and the only thing you can listen to is "You Oughta Know" by Alannis Morisette. 

 

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We all know this guy.  Uses toilet seat covers just to take a leak.  He will usually use the entire roll of toilet paper.  But since we are not women we won't get into the 1 ply request like Elaine from Seinfeld.  He takes more than full advantage of the facilities.  He may sometimes use the communal sinks as his own personal spit bath.  He will use at least 3 helpings of the complimentary Listerine that your company has so graciously made available.  He might use it to the point where you begin to believe he is an alcoholic based on smell alone.  He will use half of the paper towel roll to dry his hands.  He will then use the other half to cover his hand to open the bathroom door.  All the while you are peering through the crack in the stall watching him use all your resources.  Of course you are in the middle of the biggest monster shit you have had in 3 years.  You are already sitting, so go ahead and pee.  Usually by the time you are done the bathroom attendant has restocked and you are good to go.

 

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This is the guy we inevitably become.  With this type of privilege you become a bit of an egomaniac and power grubber.  The solitude and unlimited use of supplies in the singular stall give you an attitude of "I can do anything".  Soon people around the office begin to take notice of you and want to grab lunch with you.  You start dating that cute girl from floor 9.  Everyone becomes your subordinate.  You then become the CEO of the company. Why?  Because you sat down to pee and you avoided every type of traumatizing individual you would normally run into in the bathroom if you were to take a leak the old fashioned way.  Guys, sitting to pee is in.  Put it on your resume and see the differences.