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This employee gets great pleasure out of telling everyone in ear shot about how full their workload is. "You could not even begin to imagine the amount of work that is being thrown at me right now and deadlines, don't even talk to me about deadlines." The irony is...wait for it...they never seem to be doing any work. (Unless you count incessant bitching as work) This employee is the occupational equivalent of a hoarder with a secret desire for work-related drama. This employee will only do the minimum amount of work required in order to remain employed, and spend the rest of the day pretending that they are miserably over-worked. Their workload will continue to accumulate to insurmountable levels until either management or a cable television show about obsessive behaviors intervenes (Usually the latter).

 

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Alas...nepotism at its finest. This employee can usually be identified by the glazed look of indifference in their eyes. This employee is usually there by force and will probably end up scoring one of the best positions in the company. "Yeah, they put me in charge of the puppy, taco, and naps department but I'm only here because my mom's brother's best friend's great uncle owns the place. I really want to be a street mime." This employee has nothing to lose and it shows. On a side note, do not under any circumstances mimic any actions displayed by this employee or heed any advice that they may offer, if you wish to remain employed. If you are unlucky enough to wind up with this person as your boss then you are obviously paying for the sins of your past life. You will have to make the decision either to ride their incompetence like a sinking ship or do all the work yourself while receiving none of the credit. On a positive note at least you know that there is an available position as a street mime if all else fails.

 

 

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You will see this employee often. In the break room, in the bathroom, on the elevator but you will never be able to figure out what they actually do. At first, you will assume that they are there to fix your broken printer, the Ink Jammer 2000, but then you remember that nothing ever gets fixed (or stocked, or cleaned, or exterminated) You may become obsessed and make it your life's goal to figure out who this employee is. You begin by asking around but people have either never seen this person or have and are just as clueless as you are. After months or even years of being as elusive as Bigfoot and the Loch Ness monster, this employee will eventually disappear with the same amount of mystery in which they appeared. Questions will remain unanswered and your soul will feel empty for a while. You just have to try to find closure and move on with your life.

 

 

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This employee is by far the grossest of all other employees. They can usually be identified by their chronic throat hacking and earth shattering noise blowing. They may claim not to be contagious. "Oh don't worry...you can't catch it...It's just allergies. I'm allergic to dust, polyester, bee sweat, and human pheromones. It will pass eventually." On the other hand they may be highly contagious but choose to come to work anyway. "I won't know what the cause of this green and purple rash is until the lab reports come back from the CDC. Oh well in the meantime I saw some donuts in the break room. I'm going to go stick my finger in them to see if any are jelly filled." You get the impression that the company wants to fire this employee but refuses to do so due to fear of some type of biological retaliation.

 

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This employee's only goal is to make it through the entire work day without doing any actual work. They will go above and beyond all limitations in the name of insubordination. This employee may be hard to spot at first, as they have mastered the art of "faux productivity." During meetings they take excessive notes to create the appearance of being fully engaged. Their "notes" however are purely for personal amusement. "Ha Ha... Brandon spelled backwards is nodnarb. This nodnarb thinks I'm actually listening to his presentation. " They use ninja-like precision to text without moving any body parts. They can sleep with their eyes opened while standing up. They are often missing for large chunks of the work day, which no one ever seems to question. Coincidently you will always be partnered with this person in the event of a group project and will consequently be reprimanded for only getting half of the work done. The other employee will not be reprimanded, however, due to the fact that that no one will be able to locate them. You will be stuck with this co-worker until they are promoted to management.