We all know about the pussy willow, but there also a ton of other flowers with sexually explicit names that get overshadowed by the pussy willow's subtle sexuality but overt charm. Here are some of these all too forgotten, but equally perverted flowers:
1. Peony Daisy
The peony daisy is part of the genus Paeonia family and is characterized by its delicate, pink flowers, which contrast nicely with its center penis, or "stem." Once mature, the center of the flower becomes flaccid and limp. The peony daisy is the perfect flower to embellish your side yard, adding just the right amount of phallic imagery to your home and garden.
2. Wang Peonies
Wang peonies are also part of the genus Paeonia family, but they are a bit more mature than the peony daisy flower. This wang isn't fooling around, providing your yard with panache, class and a pretty sizable dick. The wang peony requires ample sunlight, water, and a good old-fashioned beej every now and again.
3. Clitoris Bulbaris
This mysterious plant is native to South Africa, but be careful with this one -- she's a beauty but she is very hard to please. If she doesn't like the way you're watering her, she will die, but not before several emasculating passive-aggressive comments about your plant-watering ability. Plant the clitoris bulbaris in the front yard, because even though she may not say it outright, she wants to be the center of attention.
4. Sperminis Ivy
Typically used to convey one's desire to reproduce, the Sperminis Ivy's defining characteristic is its spindly semen stems clawing their way out of he ground. Native to Southeast Asia, the sperminis ivy has a distinct and sickening odor. Plant it next to the clitoris bulbaris to achieve the ultimate symbolic reproduction representation.
5. Lil' Boner Plant
The lil' boner plant is technically not a plant, it's a fungus and is widely distributed in North America. Characterized by a phallic-shaped body, it's not too pretty to look at, but this lil' boner plant really packs a punch of male prowess to any garden. This fungus will literally pop up everywhere, even when you don't want it to. Then other times you want it to and it won't. It's kind of embarrassing. Then the plant's like "Oh man, this never happens, I must be SO drunk" and you're like "it's totally fine, don't worry about it" but it still kinda sucks, plus you know for a fact they didn't have THAT much to drink. So you let it slide. But when he starts using work stress as an excuse, that's when you get upset. Because you work so much harder and you know for a fact he just sits in soil all day. But whatever. It's a plant.
6. Drooping Ball Shrub
The drooping ball shrub is native to North America and Europe and is characterized by its unique hanging penis appendages. It's an older plant, hence the droopiness. The inability to hold itself erect serves as a poignant reminder of the all too swift passage of time. A word to the wise: don't plant them next to the lil' boner plants. Drooping ball shrubs are not immune to penis envy.
7. Red-Tipped Dick Vine
The red-tipped dick vine is also known as "The bad boy" of flowers. He's got a shaft that won't quit and a whole lot of attitude. Keep the red-tipped dick vines in the backyard. Too much noise and attention overstimulates them. They are too vulgar to be seen by children. Also, showing them to children is literally a crime.
8. Giant Gaping Vagina Flower
Plant this flower to say, "I am woman hear me roar." Characterized by its giant gaping flower vagina, this plant is ripe for the artistic hands of Georgia O'Keefe and the regular hands of neighborhood weirdo "Old Man Grabby Hands."
9. Erupting Orgasm Bulb
This flower means business. It flaunts its sexuality right in your face and almost begs the response "Get a room!" This flower is not meant for the sexually modest, sexually frustrated, or those who are sensitive to smell. The erupting orgasm bulb smells like copulation mixed with rotting flesh and the fart of an obese man after a mega meal at Taco Bell, and if that doesn't make a statement in your garden, then what will? Some NON dick-shaped flowers? Psh.