Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
24 Ways The Super Bowl is Like Sex
February 1, 2014
1. There is a beginning, end, and at least 1 climax.
2. Bruno Mars is the soundtrack.
3. Lots of warm bodies groping each other.
4. Consistent ball handling throughout.
5. Due to outside variables, intensity of play can be affected by slipperiness.
6. There will be bruises and pulled groins present at the conclusion.
7. It will be televised to over 30 countries. If you are into that..
8. Sweat. Lots of sweat.
9. One move/play could fuck up a whole year's worth of hard work.
10. There's nothing safer than having a raincoat. Especially if it snows.
11. If you are lucky you can hit the hole just right and pull off a record-breaking performance.
12. Roger Goodell congratulates you at the end. In my case, the Fathead version I have above my bed.
13. At some point someone is going to say "Hold My Dick". #MarshawnLynch
14. There is someone out there who is experiencing it for the first time. Virginities. Gone.
15. You take a shower after.
16. There is a lot of receiving.
17. At some point someone will call an audible. Omaha. As in, the 'Omaha Two Knuckle Shuffle'.
18. There's a #69.
19. Each side is allotted 3 timeouts. For our older couples.
20. Performance-enhancing drugs encouraged.
21. Tony Romo's name probably won't come up.
22. It's always a blast if overtime occurs.
23. You can take a hit.
24. In the end, there's really just 5 total minutes of action. If you're lucky. This is what we train for.
We like you. Do you like us too?
Don't ask me again.