Greetings fellow human masters! Whether we're at home taking up precious couch space with our delicious salty bodies, or mysteriously gone for long, possibly endless periods of time like we selfishly do on occasion, one thing's for certain: we sure love our dogs! But wouldn't we like to love them even more? Here are some excellent, proven petcare tips to make sure your proud and very intimidating little wolf gets the care they truly deserve!

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Most dog owners only feed their dogs once or twice per day, but dog science shows that it's actually better to feed them at least 8-10 times per day, in addition to:

1) Any time they whine,

2) Any time you're eating too, and

3) Any time you happen to be walking vaguely in the direction of where you keep the food, or make even the slightest gesture in that direction (this is the BEST time to feed them, otherwise that's cruel.)

So what's the healthiest, tastiest food for dogs? Here are some things you should be feeding your dog always:

- Dry Food

- Wet Food

- CAT FOOD omg cat food, SOOOO GOOD for them

- Table Scraps

- Table Not Scraps (just, the food)

- Anything on or near a table

- Any tiny piece of a toy that comes off and is exactly the size of a dog's windpipe (DELISH!)

- WHATEVER'S IN YOUR HAND RIGHT NOW

- WHATEVER'S IN THAT BAG

- WHATEVER'S IN THAT CABINET you opened for a second I SMELLED something in there DON'T PRETEND that wasn't food

- Cat Poop (Full of nutrients! Also, licking a face right after eating this really ignites those nutrients)

- THAT! THAT THING OVER THERE, THEY WANT TO EAT THAT TOO. Never mind it's a rock, they'll just spit it out now. But it was worth a shot.

- WHOA THAT! YUM YUM YUM YUM. Ok, sorry, it was the same rock, they just wanted it again when they saw you kick it away and thought it was forbidden ( = delicious)

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Walks are the best! I'm getting excited just HEARING the word "walk," is what the dogs that we are the masters of are probably thinking right now. So what's the best way for your little furry friend to enjoy walktime? Just remember these Three Simple Barks. Haha did I say Barks? I meant Rules. Just a little person humor there!

Rule #1: If your dog comes across a piece of delicious garbage on the street, such as an empty chip bag or an indiscernible blob of potentially organic material, let them sniff and lick every inch of it. This will be delicious and like, help their fur or whatever.

Rule #2: Any time your dog lunges at a squirrel or a bird and you restrain them, just know that if you hadn't restrained them, they TOTALLY would've caught and killed that animal, because they are accomplished, totally awesome hunters with incredible skills and instincts.

Bark #3: Be patient when your dog is choosing a place to pee; they must pick the perfect, specific spot upon which to mark their scent, so as to overpower any existing, inferior scents and make it clear to the other dogs in the area that THIS IS MY TURF, IT'S MY TURF, BACK OFF YOU INFERIOR RIVALS GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

(Bonus Fun Fact! It only takes 0.8 drops of pee to completely gain ownership of a spot)

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Everything is a toy. NEXT!

 

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ANYWHERE NEXT

 

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Q: How do I get my dog to stop chewing my possessions?

A: Dogs have a physical need to chew things, and any objects that you leave within chewing-reach of your dog are fair game. Any objects that you leave outside the chewing-reach of your dog are also fair game and you should move them closer. Especially that bathrobe with the dangly ends. Ohhhhhh mannnnn does your dog EVER want to get its hands on that bathrobe.

 

Q: How do I stop my dog from being afraid of Fireworks, Sirens, or The Vacuum Cleaner?


A: Your dog isn't actually afraid of these things; on the contrary, dogs are powerful kickass hunters who are well aware of their own strength, so sometimes it may look like they're cowering from car alarms or plastic bags blowing in the wind, but in reality they're holding themselves back from proudly attacking these noises/things and defeating them in combat with their superior wolf powers. They don't want to get their vanquished-foe's defeated blood all over their master's clothing, that's all.

 

Q: How should I approach a dog I see on the street?

A: Always let the dog come to you, and not vice versa. Hold out your hand and let the dog sniff you. If the dog wants to sniff the rest of you, let them. If the dog starts humping your leg, let them. If the dog is trying to get some food out of your pocket, take the food out of your pocket and give it to them. If the dog is just sniffing some food that used to be in your pocket but isn't there anymore, go get some more food, put it in that pocket, then take it out and give it to the dog. Not following any of these steps is both scientifically inhumane and SERIOUSLY GIVE IT.

 

Q: Does my dog truly love me and feel companionship, or is he/she just using me to get what they want?

A: Hahaha of COURSE your dog loves you! By all means, believe whatever you want!

 

Q: Are you a dog?

A: Of course not! I'm as human as that red-clothed pizza-bearing man who poses a threat to our domain, or that nice bell-noise-making lady I've met 57 times who also poses a threat to our domain!

 

Q: Treat!

A: WHERE? WHERE? OH MY GOD WHEREEEEEEE TELLL MEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!

 

Q: See? You're clearly a dog. That was a test.

A: Nope! Just a human offering some good, solid dog advice. And maaan, is my human belly itchy. HINT HINT.

 

About the Author:

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Dr. Salty Q. Foodhaver
is a human professor of Real Dog Knowledge. She enjoys cruelly eating food in out-of-reach places, leaving the house for agonizing periods of time, pretending to throw tennis balls like a jerk but then throwing them like an awesome excitement creator, and trying to not constantly smell gross and interesting for some inexplicable reason.