The techniques in this article have all been successfully tested and implemented by the author in a real workplace environment. Still, it should be noted that some techniques, particularly those rated "ADVANCED" may be hazardous to an amateur and can result in loss of balance and/or employment.

 

LEVEL ONE: BEGINNER

 

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This one is a classic: Pack yourself a sandwich for lunch and eat it at your desk while pretending to work. Then, tell your supervisor that you're going to "take lunch" and go take a 30-minute nap in the closest public park, bank lobby seating area, or bus depot.

 

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Sure, you won't be able to lie down, but you'll have the privacy of your own stall. Sit down, drop trow (to fool any nosy co-workers who might peer beneath the door), rest your arms and head on your legs, and catch some Z's. Your boss is unlikely to ask why you've been in the bathroom for so long, lest you reveal the gruesome details of your digestive system. If someone does press you on the matter, tell them you think the break room coffee was poisoned and instigate a week-long witchhunt. Spend most of that week sleeping on the toilet.

 

LEVEL TWO: INTERMEDIATE

 

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The trick to this technique is to find a way to look like you are analyzing, even scrutinizing, whatever is on your computer screen while resting your head in one or more hands. This way, even if someone starts speaking to you, you can pretend you were deep in thought. Don't snore.

 

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Any office, school, or institutional building is likely to have a room full of servers and other chilled computer equipment, to which very few have access. Befriend your company's IT guy and get him to make you a key to the server room, or as you will now call it, the "forever naps room". Another bonus: it's always air-conditioned in the summer. On the downside, however, it is also cold in the winter.

 

LEVEL THREE: ADVANCED

 

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If your workplace has a warehouse, storage room, or other region in which boxes are kept, make up an excuse to search it for a specific, non-existent item. Then carefully rearrange the boxes to create an enclosure with a very narrow entrance, if any. Proceed to nap like a bear who makes an hourly wage.

 

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By far the most difficult technique of all, this requires you to convince your boss that you will be more productive working within ten paces of your Wii and every book, movie, comic, and album you own. Provided you can pull off that incredible feat, feel free to start exaggerating your hours and napping whenever you feel like it in the privacy of your own bathtub, finally.


Nat Towsen researched this article by spending ten years working mediocre jobs, including several office and temp jobs. He has slept at every job he has ever had, except of course for his job writing for CollegeHumor, where he is extremely alert and diligent, though he works from home.