The ceremony begins. A hush falls over the crowd. Suddenly, the lights go out! Everyone gasps. Is this a power failure? Yes it is. But we are just getting started.
3,000 stray dogs enter the arena and begin forming circles. What could they be up to? They are all carrying little Russian flags. No one can see the flags because the lights are off, but you better believe they can feel the glory.
The Tetris Theme kicks up. Suddenly all 3,000 dogs burst into flames, forming THE OLYMPIC RINGS!!!! OH YES NOW IT IS HAPPENING!
Time for the first performance: Russia's greatest male ballet dancers and figure skaters perform a gloriously choreographed tribute against homosexuality. The crowd ROARS with approval as Moscow's most fabulously hetero skater lands a remarkable triple-axel exactly as the chorus of Abba's "Waterloo" crescendos. 10 minute pause for standing ovation as the performers freeze, spelling out "NOGAYS" in their rainbow, tank-top-shaped Athlete-Suits.
Next up, a stirring tribute to the history of freedom in Russia, starring "Freeie" the Free Press Pressguy (Giant Newspaper With Googly Eyes), who invites you to "rock out" (if you choose) to the unjailed punk stylings of The In Your Face Band We May Disagree With But Respect Their Right To Free Speech! They'll play a medley of Russian classics, including "We Would Never Jail A Friggin' Band", the Tetris theme again, "You Know Our Country Produced Dostoyevsky and Tchaikovsky Right? So Shut Up", and the Tetris 'B' Theme.
However, it is not an Opening Ceremony without some surprises! BANG! Nine toilets just exploded. Yellow probably-not-pee-but-still-yellow water fills the stage to ankle depth. Was this on purpose? Ha ha. We will never tell ;)
Next, a detailed 45-minute presentation about why Stalin's abandoned 1940s Salekhard-Igarka Railway project, aka "The Death Train," actually made geographic sense. [Note: Cut for time?]
Finally, it is time to light the torch, and to do so, here's a coalition of The 10 Greatest Russians: Vladimir Putin, Vladimir Putin Again Somehow, and 8 Flashy Billionaires Who Assuredly Made Their Fortunes Through Really Shady Practices In The Early 90s.
The torch is lit! The games are on! The torch is out. The games are still on though! Oops it appears now the games are off too. How did that happen? Ha ha. We will never tell ;)