The 6 Valentine's Day Cards You Will Give Throughout Your Life
1. Handmade Craft to Parent
Your arts & crafts teacher from early elementary school will force you to make a Valentine's card for your parents. It will feature an adorable misspelling that will remind them that you are an incompetent baby who still needs their love and constant supervision to survive.
2. Storebought Cards to Classmates
In grade school, you'll carefully select a box of cards featuring franchised characters that both reflect your interests and make you seem cool. (Consider this early practice for filling out "Favorite Books, Movies, and Shows" of all your future dating profiles.) You'll make sure that the cards have no romantic undertones to avoid getting chased around the playground at recess.
3. Gift to First Crush
The most inauthentic of all your valentines, your middle-school years will be include an attempt to fit every cliche of your underdeveloped notion of what "love" is into one card. Elements may include a stuffed animal, a box of chocolates, and lyrics from an old band you just discovered that's super meaningful cause they're OLD.
4. Romantic Masterpiece to First Love
You will make some creative endeavor--a poem, song, painting, or a papier-mache life-size sculpture of your nude form--that will be meticulously constructed while high on your first chemical cocktail of love. The over-earnest result will horrify you as you grow older, but fortunately for you, it will remain forever hidden in a shoebox under the childhood bed in the house your romantic interest grew up.
5. Joke to a Friend
For the Feburarys where you find yourself non-romantically engaged, you will be, like, totally above all that Valentine's Day bullshit. You and your single pals will make fun of nauseatingly delusional couples who are willing to shovel out tons of money for some hyper-commercialized holiday. You will send a joke card and maybe even have a gag-gift delivered to your friend's workplace, until you realize that your ironic contribution adds just as much to the commercialization of love as any other contribution.
6. Practical Sentiment to Long-Term Partner
You'll give a year subscription to Netflix. A gift you can both enjoy. And use to avoid starting fights out of boredom.