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Hey, it's me, the guy who designs couple's figure skating costumes! I'm so excited to be dressing your clients for the Winter Olympics, historically the people's favorite Olympics and definitely not an annoying every-four-year chore with none of the cool sports and all of the unoriginal jokes about how dumb curling is. Let's get started!

First of all, what song are they going to be skating to? Can we dress them up in a weirdly literal costume that has to do with the song? In 2010 my clients skated to Crocodile Rock and I dressed them both in full crocodile costumes. They won bronze but everyone admits they were ROBBED. But of course the costume doesn't HAVE to do with the song. Maybe they're old-timey newsies in suspenders for no reason? Or a clown and her pet elephant?

Also, what's the general vibe of the performance going to be? Is it gonna be sad classical music because they're pretending to be in love even though they're actually brother and sister which makes it really really gross when they kiss each other and touch each other's butts during lifts? Or is it gonna be more like a jaunty, sassy, "we're two people on ice skates and we're here to say / taking tiny steps while shaking our hips is the only way" kind of feel?

Uh-huh. Okay. And where are they from? How do we feel about taking a couple of your country's flag and just kinda draping it around them  ? Or, ooooohhh, how about if we make them suits that look like something stock photos of businesspeople would wear? BEFORE YOU SAY ANYTHING, they'll also have black and white harlequin facepaint.

Hold on. Don't answer yet. Are your clients cool with blackface? What about if we say it's "Africa-inspired"?

No? Well, what do you think about white pleather vests?

Gosh, you're not giving me a lot of wiggle room here. Let me think for a second.

Okay. What I'm about to say is pretty out there. I think we have a chance to go totally off the wall here. Something the judges have never seen before.

For him, I'm thinking tight pants that show off his bulge at a level of detail that makes everyone watching extremely uncomfortable, and a billowy shirt. But like, REALLY billowy. More billowy than you're thinking.

And for her, a nude leotard under a glittery velvet bikini.

I know. I KNOW. I'm a genius. It's never been done! And listen, it's gonna be expensive, because we'll need about 50 yards of silk to make his billowy shirt. But I think we are looking at the opportunity to change the face of Olympic pairs figure skating apparel. What do you say?