So you want to watch some Olympic Curling but you just can't figure out what's going on? No problem! I used to have the same problem, until I decided to kiiiind of alllmost begin to vaguely piece together what was happening maybe! Here are the Official Rules Of Curling EXPLAINED, I think, kind of:

1. Curling Terminology


First, ya gotta know what's what. It's simple!

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Also, a "Turn" is called a "Go-Go," a "Point" is called a "Rouge," and knocking another player's stone out of the circle is called "Takin' Daddy Beaver To Quebec."

If you're around TRUE Curling fans, though, always use the slang terms, e.g., "She really nailed that SLIDERRINO right up SATAN'S PUSSY!"

 

2. The Curling Team


A typical Curling squad consists of three members: One who actually slides the Rock and hopes it stops somewhere that causes people to applaud, and two 'Broomists' who vigorously broom the ice. Obviously, brooming the ice cannot possibly affect anything, but it makes them feel needed.

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Having three Curlers instead of one helps triple the number of full-time Curling Employees in Canada, and remains one of the biggest and most egregious financial scams north o' the Missisipp'.

 

 

3. Gameplay

 

The teams take turns alternately sliding red and yellow stones (the red and yellow colors were actually chosen to honor an Iron Man 2 ad-integration for the 2010 Olympics) until they run out of stones and one team gets points for having their stones closer to the center. This goes on, back and forth, until you change the channel or have to go somewhere.

 

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4. Winning

 

So at this year's Olympics, who are some "Curlers To Watch?" Haha, who ISN'T?

 

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5. Curling Legacy

 

Um. I'm not gonna lie, I used up everything I almost-know about Curling in the first 4 things, and even that was kinda pushing it. But I thought this list needed 5 items to feel official, so I'm padding the list the way I used to pad my college papers: By talking about the 'Legacy' of Curling.

 

Who's to say where the future of Curling -- or truly anything -- will take us? Only time will tell. But as Shakespeare said, "All the world's a stage." Some of those stages just happen to be frozen.

 

In conclusion, here's an absurd Curling Wallpaper I found on the internet:

 

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There you have it! Now you know so much about Curling, you're practically friggin CURLY from the Three Stooges and/or City Slickers! Did you know neither of them were Curlers? True fact.

 

Just remember the most important rule of all: THERE ARE NO RULES!!!!!!!! I mean, yeah, there's a bunch but, like, you know, whatever.

 

 

(Pics via Shutterstock)