Listen up, men! Everyone (Maxim and movies) gives tips on how to make sure you don't finish too quickly in bed, like thinking about baseball or your grandmother. But that never works, and now you can't stop having an orgasm when the Yankees are on or you go to your Grandma's house. So here are a few useful tips to make you a SOBER SEX GOD:
1) Give, give, give. You need to go down on them for like 30-57 minutes. This is literally your only chance of more than one song playing from your go to sex album, Next's Rated Next, or not awkwardly finishing while the same scene of Mrs. Doubtfire is still playing on the TV, which is inexplicably on in the background for some reason.
2) Once you're actually having sex, do your best not to move too much, because more motion is going to feel better and speed up the whole process. Essentially try to imagine the T-rex from Jurassic Park is looking in your window.
3) When you inevitably finish really quickly, apologize and claim it never happens, it just felt "so fucking good".
4) Out of embarrassment and self loathing, offer to give them a back massage.
5) When that fizzles out since you know nothing about how to give a massage take a few shots of whatever booze you have laying around when they go to the bathroom. This should help you lose all inhibitions that make you question your every move, and also help you not really be able to feel anything. Wait for it to kick in and go for another round where you can actually last and make yourself MEMORABLE, or at least be blacked out and keep believing you made yourself memorable. Either way it's a win win.
6) Drink some more, get to the point where sleep actually feels better than sex, then fall immediately asleep. So you BASICALLY just did it three times, you animal!