Valentine's Day is just days away and if you haven't made your dinner reservations at White Castle yet, then a nice gift may be your last hope for romance. If you plan on doing your V-Day gift shopping online, it's best to avoid these Amazon gifts. Each comes with a Valentine's Day guarantee of 100% disappointment and broken dreams.
They're also great for wadding up as a makeshift pillow when you're banished to sleeping on the floor.
2. His & Her Tongue Scrapers
Removes tongue fur?! Did somebody say "ROMANCE"?
3. Detroit Red Wings Tree Decorations
The perfect way to let your signifigant other and neighbors know that you're an idiot.
4. Instructional Macarena Dance VHS tape
Sure, you could take your significant other out for a night of dancing, but that might require wearing something besides sweatpants. Better to just let them learn dated dance moves on their own.
5. Love Times Three: Our True Story Of A Polygamous Marriage
"Hey honey, I thought we could read this and then have an open discussion about trying some new things.... Why are you packing a suitcase all of a sudden?"
6. Reproductive Organs Plush Toys
You won't be getting anywhere near your lover's reproductive organs with this gift.
7. Novelty Toilet Paper
How ironic, a gift that's made too look expensive, but probably didn't cost more than $3. Perhaps you can use it to dab your tears after your lover leaves you.
8. 2013 Dilbert Desk Calendar
No amount of Dilbert's cubical humor will save you from this Amazon bargin bin atrocity that you just tried to pawn off as a legitimate gift.
9. The Snore Strap
Don't think that adding a note to this gift that says, "Because I want you to sleep like an angel" will make it any better.
10. Sex Checks
In the history of the world, no one has ever successfully cashed a sex check and recieved sex. NEVER.