Valentine's Day is just days away and if you haven't made your dinner reservations at White Castle yet, then a nice gift may be your last hope for romance. If you plan on doing your V-Day gift shopping online, it's best to avoid these Amazon gifts. Each comes with a Valentine's Day guarantee of 100% disappointment and broken dreams. 

 

1. Fundies

They're also great for wadding up as a makeshift pillow when you're banished to sleeping on the floor. 

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Source: Amazon 

2. His & Her Tongue Scrapers

Removes tongue fur?! Did somebody say "ROMANCE"?

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Source: amazon 

3. Detroit Red Wings Tree Decorations

The perfect way to let your signifigant other and neighbors know that you're an idiot. 

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Source: amazon

4. Instructional Macarena Dance VHS tape 

Sure, you could take your significant other out for a night of dancing, but that might require wearing something besides sweatpants. Better to just let them learn dated dance moves on their own. 

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Source: amazon

5. Love Times Three: Our True Story Of A Polygamous Marriage

"Hey honey, I thought we could read this and then have an open discussion about trying some new things.... Why are you packing a suitcase all of a sudden?"

 

 

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Source: amazon 

6. Reproductive Organs Plush Toys

You won't be getting anywhere near your lover's reproductive organs with this gift. 

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Source: amazon 

7. Novelty Toilet Paper

How ironic, a gift that's made too look expensive, but probably didn't cost more than $3. Perhaps you can use it to dab your tears after your lover leaves you. 

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Source: amazon

8. 2013 Dilbert Desk Calendar 

No amount of Dilbert's cubical humor will save you from this Amazon bargin bin atrocity that you just tried to pawn off as a legitimate gift. 

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Source: amazon 

9. The Snore Strap

Don't think that adding a note to this gift that says, "Because I want you to sleep like an angel" will make it any better. 

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Source: amazon 

10. Sex Checks

In the history of the world, no one has ever successfully cashed a sex check and recieved sex. NEVER. 

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Source: amazon