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First of all, sarcasm sucks. It's just meanness, and it's not the same thing as being intelligent or funny (I know I'm about to use a ton of sarcasm in this very article, but that's only because I'm a gigantic hypocrite). But that's not why you shouldn't say you're sarcastic in your online dating profile. You shouldn't say you're sarcastic in your online dating profile because you should just BE sarcastic instead. Show, don't tell. A REAL sarcastic person would be all like, "Sarcasm? Me? Nooooo, I'm neeeevvvver sarcastic" (See how hilarious that is? JK IT'S NOT I'M BEING SARCASTIC LOL).



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Like most of the words on this list, it's fine to use this one if you actually do see it as an identifying characteristic of your personality. But 99.5% of the people who use it seem to think that it's just a less braggy way of saying "I'm fun." (Which, really, must we all be so eager to prove how FUN and SPIRITED we are? Ugh. Who has the energy for that?) Anyway, go ahead and use this word if you want to attract dates who will attend spur-of-the-moment drug raves with you and then get your faces tattooed on each other's chests on a whim, but be aware that more sane people might ~spontaneously~ decide not to message you.



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Wait, wait, wait, you like alterna-folk but you ALSO, sometimes, when you're in a different kind of mood, enjoy listening to dubstep? Hold up. Just give me a few seconds to wrap my puny brain around this. As a one-dimensional person who only ever listens to one song on repeat (Taylor Swift's "Love Story"), I cannot conceive of a creature of this sort of complexity and unique eclecticism.

 

EVERYONE LIKES MORE THAN ONE TYPE OF MUSIC. YOU ARE NOT SPECIAL. SHUT UP.



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Yeah, yeah, philosophy is a rigorous scientific discipline and blah blah blah you're not going to take it out of your profile, fine. It's just important that you know that you sound like the type of person who would rationalize cheating on your significant other because of something a dead white guy wrote while high on opium.



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Men: enjoying whiskey doesn't make you Hemingway. He drank daiquiris all the time, by the way. Women: enjoying whiskey doesn't make you some kind of badass tomboy Robin Scherbatsky type. It just makes you like whiskey. Which is fine. Lots of people like whiskey. You don't need to be so goddamn proud of yourself about it.



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There are a few different ways to answer that "6 things you couldn't live without" question on OKCupid: seriously (air, water, friends, boring, boring, boring), informatively (i.e. as an extension of the "stuff you like" section), and jokingly (probably with a really hilarious original joke that no one else has ever made). Chapstick works for none of these. It is just a thing that lets people know you're bad at describing yourself. Stop saying you couldn't live without chapstick.



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Technically speaking, we are all dreamers. Everyone dreams at night, and everyone also has hopes and ambitions and layers to their personality. But not everyone has the discipline to spend hours perfecting our ability to gaze out of windows while mysterious smiles play about our lips. Not all of us dance barefoot in the rain in the middle of the street because fuck cars, man, the poetry of my body is more important than people trying to get home to their families. Okay, whatever, you obviously don't get what it is to be a free spirit.



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Listen, I'm as into hangin' hard and takin' it easy as anyone. But I don't identify myself as a person whose favorite activity is "chilling," because I am not Matthew McConaughey. Even Matthew McConaughey probably wouldn't say that he loves chilling on OKCupid. He would probably say that he loves playing his bongos.

 

Now, it's important to note that this rule refers only to the use of "chilling" as a gerund and not an adjective. You could easily use "chilling" to great effect when discussing, say, spooky movies, or how frightening it is that you might never have a truly fulfilling romantic relationship ever again if you keep ruling people out based on their use of totally commonplace words in their online dating profiles like a real judgmental bitch.