What you think will be night to remember can turn south in a hurry. Here are 5 brands of shitty nights and the steps you can take to prevent them. (Not mentioned: Night spent reading 25+ CollegeHumor articles instead of socializing.)

 

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Your one friend with a taste for house music somehow got the wheel tonight and you are all headed to a hell hole of e-cigarettes and bottle service. You are in especially deep trouble if the club name is some sort of force of nature. Without even researching, I can tell you with confidence that "Fire", "Ice", and "Storm" probably exist and definitely suck. Wouldn't even be surprised if there's a spot called "Seafloor Spreading" and am sure there's one called "Fjord".  Stretch out your texting muscles because that's all you'll be doing while the rest of your friends have rhythmic seizures to the new track by some Icelandic 12-year-old.


How To Avoid It:  Falsify that there are rampant staph infections reported in both "Aurora Borealis" and "Algal Bloom". There's a good chance you're right. 

 

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Midnight came way too fast and the group is doing a cost-benefit analysis on whether or not it still makes sense to go out. They are throwing out figures on cab costs, cover charges, potential bar tab totals and weighing them against how little time is left in the night. But this is your night! It's the bar you've been wanting to go back to forever and you have a feeling that girl with the boobs will be bar tending again. In a last ditch effort you lie about the closing time, telling them that "it doesn't close til like 2!" But in the end, the calculations have shown that drinking around the fire pit and falling asleep halfway through MacGruber is the most pragmatic course of action.


How To Avoid It: Play the guilt trip. Reach back into the history of your friendship and cite instances where you didn't bail on them. Either that or play The Guilt Trip (2012) which will get them out of the house even faster. 

 

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You already dropped $20 on pre-game booze and another $20 on the cab, only to find that there's a $20 cover at the door. It only gets worse when you look at the drink list and assume they must be running their "Unhappy Hour". Every beer is from some Belgian monastery that is apparently pretty expensive to ship from. If your not embarrassed by how much you just spent on a beer, you sure as hell will be when they serve it to you in a goblet. Make the most of that Doublebockenweissensteiner because you can't afford another one.


How To Avoid It: Stick it to the man with 50 milliliters of payback. Step out to the liquor store for a fistful of nips and smuggle them back into the bar. Savor your victory with a Popov & Sprite you mixed up in the bathroom stall. 

 

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If you're like me, you don't like clubs, but you do need to spank the planks every once in a  while (dance, not masturbate). You've been to this bar before and you know they play hot wedding jams, serve cheap beer, and best of all - they never have a line. Unfortunately for you, tonight is the night that the secret got out and the queue is stretched around the block. Get ready for an hour of your friends making heavy sighs and glaring at you with their arms crossed.


How To Avoid It:  Most back pockets allow enough space for a Poland Spring bottle full of vodka-cranberry. Pass the body-temp cocktail around your circle and start a party of your own. Who knows? A whole new line might just form next to you and your friends of equally frustrated 20-somethings. 

 

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You found her. The one. She's beautiful, funny, and shares your distaste for the Dexter finale. Since you're certain you've met your future wife, you don't think twice about completely ignoring your friends for the next hour - right up until the point that you need them to accompany you to every single bar she wants to visit. You insist to your reluctant friends that you'd do the same for them, knowing full well that you absolutely wouldn't. If you don't feel guilty over that, you certainly will the second you find your new soul mate's inevitable defect. Maybe she has a boyfriend. Maybe she's moving to France tomorrow. Maybe she's a KGB Agent imbedded in the Williamsburg hipster scene. Regardless of the reason, you go from internally picking out wedding invitations to finding your exit strategy. 


How To Avoid It:  As with any flirtation scenario, always open with "Hi. Are you worth my time? Be honest."