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Shia LaBeouf is an attention-crazed jerk. Here are 10 simple ways to keep him from getting exactly what he wants: your attention.

 

1.) Go for a walk.

If you must, think of the sun as a celebrity. Imagine the sky as its Hollywood and the wind as Nature's gossip.

 

2.) Read a book.

He hasn't written a book yet, so enjoy the magical world of literature while it's still a "No Shi Zone."

 

3.) Watch a movie.

If the cover says "Shia LaBeouf" on it, you'll want to chose a different title. If it says "Oscar-Nominated," you'll be just fine.

 

4.) Take a nap.

At least if you're sleeping, thinking about Shia LaBeouf would be part of a dream and, therefore, render the attention you're giving him completely uninteresting and totally irrelevant--even to someone as desperate as Shia.

 

5.) Think about a celebrity that isn't Shia LaBeouf.

There are so many other famous people that aren't Shia LaBeouf to spend your time obsessing over, like Bob Balaban. I hear he's a real rascal--wonder if he's ever been in a flick with Shia LaBeouf.

 

6.) Talk about how much of an attention-crazed jerk Shia LaBeouf is.

If it's negative attention, it's not really attention, right? I mean, I'm talking about how much of a lamewad Shia My Guy-a is and I'm not thinking about him.

 

7.) Watch "Even Stevens."

It's a funny show! Who cares if a young Shia LaBeouf is in it? Childhood Shia LaBeouf and wild dude Shia LaBeouf are two COMPLETELY different people. I'm focusing on Ren anyway--she's a total babe! Even if she does get in the way of her younger brother's good time an awful lot.

 

8.) Go to his art show.

To quote Shia Tzu--I mean, Sun TzuBeouf. To quote Shia LaBeouf. Ha ha wow! I must feel the need to add more stupidity to my life to make up for Shia being completely out of it. To quote Sun Tzu, "Know your enemy and know yourself and you will always be victorious."

 

9.) Kidnap Shia LaBeouf

How's he going to know he's a beautiful genius that NEEDS to go away if you never get the time to tell him one-on-one?

 

10.) Keep him in your basement.

When was the last time you thought about what was in your basement? Am I right? Oil burner? Dehumidifier? Boxes full of Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps memorabilia? What even ARE those things?

 

Alex Watt is on TwitterTumblr and an ego trip.