NICE! A celebrity just died. If you hop on Twitter ASAP and strike while the #RIP-Iron's hot, now's your chance to score some BIG TIME Retweets! Just follow these 10 simple steps and soon you'll be using that celebrity's last breath to breathe some life into your social media life!
Approach #1: Make a Kick-Ass Joke About The Dead Celebrity
Take the celebrities' movies, tv shows, or life accomplishments and twist them into a sweet-ass zinger, but be sure to include "RIP" so everyone's like "oh they said RIP, so it's fine." That'll show that dead motherfucker!
Approach #2: Tweet About Being Appalled By All The Death Jokes
Act like you can't believe people on Twitter are actually doing something unseemly, and Tweet about how appalled you are by the death-jokes. This lets you keep the moral high-ground while still RAKIN' in the RTs from your fellow Appalled-O Creeds!
Approach #3: Make An Ironic "Joke About All The Jokes"
A delicious "twist cone" combo of #1 and #2: Make a really loud, on-the-nose joke making fun of everyone else's Twitter jokes about the dead celebrity. This still lets you make a joke about the dead person but also keeps you ethically "above" those vultures making ACTUAL jokes, plus it shows you're way too cool to actually just Tweet a thing.
Approach #4: Ridicule Everyone For Caring About This Celebrity Instead Of IMPORTANT Things
Why do people care about this famous person?? Don't they care about IMPORTANT things??? SHAME them for not caring about more important things. What important things? If you even need to ask, then you REALLY need to care about more important things and not not important things.
Approach #5: Somehow Make The Celebrity Death About You
Find some way, ANY way, to connect yourself to that celebrity and tell everyone about it. Your tragedy, YOUR Retweet$!
Approach #6: Link To Someone Else's Touching, Informative Tribute
Someone over at the NY Times wrote an incredibly comprehensive and touching recap of the celebrity's life? Awesome! LINK DAT SHIT and reap the RT rewards! You don't even have to read it, either, just like, have it open in a new tab all day and kinda glance at it during lunch.
Approach #7: Link To Someone Else's Shitty, Trolling Thinkpiece
Obviously someone wrote this piece of shit just to piss you off, but link to it anyway and make fun of it, and watch the hate-RTs of support come ROLLIN' in! Fortunately, the author is a 22-year-old freelance hamster, so they won't comprehend any of the backlash.
Approach #8: Combine The Celebrity Death With Another Trending Topic And Pass That Off As A Joke
Take the celebrity death and combine it with something else that's currently trending and voila! You have something that kinda sounds like a joke and took zero effort!
BONUS: For even less of a joke, just Tweet "I didn't even know [Person] was still alive!" That'll zing the shit out of them for living a long time.
Approach #9: Use The Celebrity's Death To Raise Awareness For A Cause
Helping a worthy cause AND scorin' dem RT-honeys??? HELL YEAH, that's a win-win. Also, no one can be like "you're clearly just trying to get RTs off this" because then it'll look like they're against the cause.
Approach #10: Just Don't Tweet Anything
A celebrity who you like died, and it's completely ok and natural to feel bad about that, but you don't really have anything substantive to add to the discussion in a 140-character burst, nor do you feel like making a cheap joke about a random dead person you don't know.
So what do you do? Just don't Tweet anything.
Hahahaha just kidding! Of COURSE you have to Tweet something! GO BACK TO #1 AND READ THROUGH THE OPTIONS AND PICK ONE DAMMIT AND SUCK SOME OF THAT SWEET RETWEET MARROW OUTTA THAT DEAD-ASS CELEBRITY'S BONES OR DELETE YOUR TWITTER ACCOUNT ASAP.
Hope this helps! Happy Tweeting!