These slacktavists flank your news feed from both the far right and left, defending the world from socialism, genetically modified food, illegal immigrants, and big oil. Continually posting outrageously titled, completely unverified news stories that already validate their unwavering beliefs, these Facebookers are too busy saving the world one click at a time to check facts.
Thanks to modern technology, having nothing to say no longer prevents these mouth-breathers from saying it loudly and often. Unknowingly facilitating the chain letter's evolution from parasite of the dying postal system to an annoying digital menace, their Facebook sessions are often a flurry consecutively unfunny memes, e-cards, clicks to "see what happens", and shares "if you agree", thus resulting in an uncomfortable tumor of irritation on your news feed.
Convinced that literacy is for nerds, these Facebookers bravely embrace their inability to grasp proper grammar, punctuation, or spelling. Complimenting these ever present perversions of proper English are the actual topics of their asinine (and often passive-aggressively vague) status updates. These blessed train wrecks never fail to entertain with their melodramatic, self-destructive posts, making life tolerable in a post Breaking Bad world.
No longer satisfied with Twitter as a means to spread their pretentious, post-irony, these social media hipsters have made it their mission to ruin Facebook as well. Deciphering their absurdly abbreviated, symbol-ridden posts is akin to translating a vaguely familiar foreign language, and typically never even worth the exhaustive effort. Do us all a favor, stuff your hashtags in your fedora and walk your skinny jeans back on over to Twitter where you belong.
Whether it's a personal epiphany, or a trite inspirational quote scrawled over a landscape, the message is always the same: "When life hands you lemons, god is awesome, don't kill yourself." On the surface, their posts appear well-intentioned, but in reality only serve as self-medication, temporarily alleviating the misery of their own lives while irritating the rest of us. Did you hear about the guy who checked Facebook while standing on the ledge, but then didn't jump because of a Haiku written over a picture of a puppy riding a dolphin into the sunset? No? Me neither.
Like a self-involved teenager, these ingrates only reach out when they need something. Thanks to the power of social media, these societal leeches now need only exert the most minimal of effort when blatantly begging for undeserved attention. Read my blog! Watch my video! Come to my gig! Buy my product! Sponsor my thing! Donate to my Kickstarter! I don't think so, guy. Where were you when I was on that ledge?
Most easily identified by their profile picture of an uninterested child, these Facebookers snub the concept of privacy, opting instead to openly document their kids' entire lives online. Twenty years from now, when potential employers Google their name, these kids will undoubtedly appreciate how thoroughly their parents documented their struggles with potty training.
Consistently funny or insightful, posts from these people are a welcome change from tired cat memes and boring gym check-ins and therefore always slow down a hurried scroll through your news feed. Unfortunately, the dark truth is, that what appear to be casual observations are actually carefully crafted sentences, compulsively revised several dozen times. Because of their anxious obsession for eloquence, for every one post put up by a Speed Bump there is a shamefully hidden digital graveyard of poorly articulated posts that just weren't up to snuff.
Refusing to miss any potential profile picture opportunity, these self-obsessed Facebookers have no need for the outward-facing camera on their phones. Be it a friend's wedding, their child's first steps, or visual proof of Bigfoot, you can count on them to cram their own fat face into two-thirds of the photo. These heroic egotists have overcome the society's insistence that we should be self-conscious about our looks. Good for them. Annoying for us.
Having few other actual pleasures in their lives, they've turned the basic human need for sustenance into a full-time hobby. If they aren't reposting Pinterest recipes, these self-proclaimed "Foodies" are posting pictures of their own meals. Unfortunately, the lighting usually sucks and so does their camera phone so that chocolate mousse just looks like mud on an expensive plate.