Honest Rules for Every Game of Darts
By Hallie Cantor
1. Notice that the bar you are in has darts. 2. Say, "Hey, this bar has darts!" 3. Go throw the darts once. 4. Remember that you have no idea how to score darts. 5. All start talking about scoring rules at once even though none of you have a clue what you're talking about. Try to sound knowledgeable by saying words like "multiply" and "section". 6. Start to write a bunch of diagonal lines and X's and O's on the scoreboard because you saw someone do that once. 7. Realize that the current chalk markings have been on that board since 1989 and are not erasable. 8. Collectively decide to give up scoring and just take turns throwing in between sipping your beers and making "ooh" noises when anyone hits near the bullseye. 9. Make fun of your one friend who uses her entire body to propel the darts, instead of just flicking them with her wrist like a badass darts hotshot. 10. Privately judge the person who whips the dart without aiming at all, but also judge the person who tries TOO hard to line up their shot. 11. Get in an argument when your friend who knows slightly more about darts than you tells you that you actually shouldn't aim for the bullseye, because the highest-scoring spot is the triple-20. 12. Keep aiming for the bullseye anyway because it still FEELS like the best spot. 13. Get privately annoyed at your friend who never retrieves his own darts OR the darts of the person who threw before him. Oh, sure, we're all just HONORED to fetch your darts for you, YOUR MAJESTY--oh, whoops, it's your turn again. 14. Loudly announce that you're definitely getting better at this the more you drink. 15. Oh, no, wait, you're definitely getting worse. 16. As people gradually lose interest, start offering the darts around really quickly after you retrieve them from your throw, in the hopes that everyone else is bored and you can go twice in a row without looking like a dick. 17. Congratulations. You have won the game of darts. 18. Lose interest and go back to getting drunk.