I remember it like it was yesterday. I was in sixth grade, and I ran home as soon as the bell rang. "Doc Hollywood" was going to be on HBO, and if I got there quick enough, I'd be just in time to see the scene where Julie Warner comes out of the water naked.
I knew this was the last chance I'd have to see a boob in a good long while.
I made it home that day, and enjoyed the five second scene like it was sent to me from the Lord. Seeing boobs was an event that happened very rarely, and the thrill of seeing one was completely overwhelming.
A year later, not having a TV in my room, I would sneak downstairs and hope something scandalous was on HBO. Some nights, you hit the jackpot, and got something like "Real Sex". Other nights, you went back upstairs disappointed because "Spawn" or "Inside the NFL" was on. But when we got to see a boob, we were happy, because let's face it: boobs back then were hard to come by.
But thanks to the stupid Internet, today's kids will never experience this kind of frustration. They will never reap the sweet reward of being in the right place at the right time to see a boob on TV, much in the same way they will never have the orgasmic satisfaction of getting a Nintendo game to work after blowing into it for thirty minutes. The hunt for the boob no longer exists – all it takes is a simple click, and you've got boobs, butts, and tons of other crazy shit that I didn't even know existed when I was that age.
Back in my day, if your dad didn't have a collection of Playboys, you were pretty much screwed. Now, even if your parents have limited your Internet experience, there's always the one friend who doesn't have technically savvy parents. All it takes is a sleepover at said friend's house, and you've got all the boobs you care to look at.
And even if the Internet is not working for some reason, all it would take is a quick programming of the TiVo. Forget about having to sneak downstairs you'd have the ability to see pre-recorded boobs whenever you wanted. You could even pause and rewind if you wanted to!
This is truly a turn for the worse for the new generation. Kids today have full, complete, and accurate accounts of how intercourse works, instead of having to awkwardly piece it together by viewing scrambled soft core porn on the Spice Channel. I mean, scrambled porn itself is a dying breed. Who needs Hi-Def and digital cable if it means I can't see an oddly shaped green boob? This is not a world I care to live in.
Having to search for boobs built character, something today's youths are truly lacking. Which is why I propose putting an end to any new technology developments. The less technology we have, the harder it will be to find a boob, and the better off our children will be. Because in the end, that's really what it's all about.