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1. He's handsome.

Are you handsome? No, I didn't think so. Why aren't YOU the one who has to leave public life behind? Huh? The world is so unfair sometimes--this being one of those times, times a million, times seven billion a.k.a. THE NUMBER OF PEOPLE WHO WILL BE MISSING OUT ON ALEC BALDWIN EVERY SECOND OF EVERY DAY NOW THAT HE HAS TO QUIT THE PUBLIC LIFE! I volunteer as tribute! Take ME! I am not worthy of your gaze.

 

2. He has great hair.

Sure, it's part of being handsome, but it's also so much more! Rachel Maddow has a magnificent mop that's well worthy of replacing Da Ali B Show, but I just can't bear to look at her anymore now that I know what she did to our Alec. A little worried about having another silver fox in your neck of the woods there, Anderson? Thought so.

 

3. He's a talented actor.

What are our movies and television programs going to be like without the only talented actor in the entire universe? Bad--that's for sure. Who's going to play Alec Baldwin if Hollywood decides to make a film about The Most Important Person of Our Generation (Alec Baldwin)? Surely no one else is up to the task. Especially with Shia in the public's dog house for dogs we don't appreciate enough.

 

4. He's rich.

Alec Baldwin has so much money, he doesn't even have to work. What if he takes up a dangerous hobby like reading his own mail? If he gets a papercut, that's one less finger he has to apply the special oils and ointments it probably requires to look and be so much better than us lesser folk (commoners/toxic little queens/rude little pigs). And what if he got a normal job? We'd all be out of luck (and jobs). We're talking about a guy who played a guy who worked his way from the mailroom to Vice President of GE's office, people. It's all connected! Open your eyes!

 

5. Who else are we going to get excited about because they mentioned a desire to run for public office even though it's a thinly-veiled attempt to garner even more publicity?

DO NOT SAY DONALD TRUMP! If someone was never a STAR of a movie, I refuse to take them seriously politically. Great, now I have to vote for Schwarzenegger in 2016! When will Shia meet the age requirement?

 

6. He's an inspiration to young straight, white men.

I shudder to think of the man I would have grown up to be if I didn't have Alec Baldwin to point to and remind me that "Hey, it is okay to to be an asshole." Who's going to teach Shia? Who's going to give him the strength to come back?

 

7. We never got to see him act with Shia LaBeouf.

Unless Heaven has a stage, this lifetime is our only chance to make this happen. If he and Shia make up, we'll never know because they're no longer celebrities. I don't know about you, but I REFUSE to let myself miss an opportunity to see the non-gay (even though that's totally cool - wink) version of two unicorns flying into a rainbow.

Come back, Alec.

We need you.

Shia needs you.

TMZ needs you.

 

Alex Watt is on TwitterTumblr and an ego trip.