So you've decided to start bringing your lunch to work. Good thinking! We've all tried that at one point in our lives; save money, eat a little healthier, etc. It makes total sense! The only problem is, it NEVER WORKS AND IT WILL ONLY MAKE YOU MISERABLE AND YOU'LL EVENTUALLY GIVE UP LIKE THE QUITTING LOSER-QUITTER YOU ARE. Here are 10 reasons why:
Once you buy cold cuts, cheese, bread, fruit, chips, pretzels, yogurt, a drink, some desserty-thing, and a bag of lettuce to make the sandwiches feel "legit" but you end up throwing 90% of it away when it turns brown in 5 days, you're basically within cents of what buying an actually good-and-filling meal would cost anyway.
BUT! If you add up those cents, multiply them by 5 workdays and 50 workweeks a year, you're saving...STILL NOTHING! You're gonna be broke either way, so you might as well be destitute while holding pizza.
Small turkey sandwich, couple of pretzels, little yogurt cup, and that's it! No need to eat a big fatty lunch! You're completely content as is. Why did you EVER used to eat those giant, grossly-filling lunches?
[CUT TO - 2:30 pm]
[Stomach Roaring] I WOULD MURDER EVERY LIVING SOUL IN THIS OFFICE FOR THE CHANCE TO SMELL THAI FOOD FOR NINE SECONDS.
When YOU pack the lunch, you get to pack WHATEVER YOU WANT! Have fun with it! Turkey and cheese, turkey without cheese, turkey cheese and BROWN mustard, turkey cheese and part of an onion you had leftover, turkey and cheese rollups because you ran out of bread and have no self-respect, literally just a pile of sliced deli cheese because you ran out of everything else and got home too late to buy groceries -- the combinations are ENDLESS!
Inevitably, one day you'll pack your lunch and all your co-workers will send around an email about ordering food from an awesome place or going out to lunch, and you'll be faced with three equally-unappealing options:
1) Decline the offer and eat your crappy lunch in isolation, bitterly staring over at your friends when their real food arrives.
2) Accept the offer, then leave your lunch in the fridge, forget about it, throw it away on Monday, then feel bad that the turkey died in vain.
3) Eat both lunches cause you're a big fat pushover (who's actually full for a day!)
Hmm, what else goes in bag lunches? Carrot sticks? Mmm, definitely would choose to eat those under normal circumstances. I wish restaurants served carrot sticks. What else goes in lunches? Fruit cups? Pudding?
Uhoh, just bought some pudding and a pair of Osh Kosh B'Gosh overalls materialized around me because I'm now 7 again. This is weird!
Speaking of "7 again", there's no quicker way to make yourself feel like a meek second grader (short of going to buy furniture and realizing you have no idea how many digits a thing should even cost) than toddling off to your actual adult job carrying a brown paper bag filled with lunch items. Or you can buy a plastic thermal lunchbag and carry that back and forth every single day. Or just go the extra mile and get the G.I. Joe "Real American LUNCH Hero!" box with the teeny red handle and Thermos and eat every lunch in the parking stairwell.
Oh god, how did your MOM slip a NOTE into this lunch? She lives 3 states away! And she calls you her "little baby bunny rabbit"?? Oh God, better hide this.
After a few weeks of packing your lunch, you'll start getting hungry earlier and earlier until you finally just say "screw it" and eat like 15 minutes after you arrive in the morning. You won't even bother putting the lunch in the fridge anymore because you've completed your metamorphosis into a lazy, unsanitary starving-monster.
Eventually, you'll realize you're not getting full from your lunch, so you'll overcompensate by making your sandwiches WAY too huge, which will result in:
1) You running out of deli meat one day after you bought it, and
2) Now you're eating a giant, tasteless turkey cube for lunch. Neither of these consequences is ideal.
BIRTHDAY CAKE IN THE KITCHEN! You packed your lunch today, so you EARNED the right to treat yourself to FIVE PIECES OF CAKE!!!! OUT OF THE WAY EVERYONE, DIBS ON THE FLOWER! DON'T YOU DARE TOUCH THAT FLOWER [Bites off co-worker's hand, eats it, still isn't anywhere close to full]
Hey, way to actually TRY doing something, TRYIN' GOSSLING. Now sheepishly return to finishing your giant, delicious, prepared burrito like the happy, sated QUITTER you now are.
But it's all fine, because you're DEFINITELY gonna start buying groceries and cooking NICE, HEALTHY REASONABLE DINNERS. For two weeks.