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Your will to succeed has never been more misplaced than in the garbage baby of athletic completion, intramural sports.  You will proudly be the guy who argues with every ref, blocks girl's layups and blatantly boob grazes while playing defense. It's true, the allure of a free t-shirt has driven many great men to great tasks; I mean who can forget the t-shirts Napoleon gave out in Russia, Stay Calm and Simultaneously Starve and Freeze to Death. Still nothing hurts your image like a play at the plate where you throw a shoulder into a 5'2 sorority pledge named Stacy. Although I heard that's how Pete Rose flirts.

 

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I know you think that your article "The Top Ten Songs to Sing While Drunk" is a solid contribution to society at large and is your ticket to that hard-hitting journalistic career your parents are paying for. But, unfortunately they don't give away Peabodys for getting drunk and singing...they're not Grammys. In three weeks your passion for that song and journalism in general will drop like the bass in a Skrillex track...Also you'll realize Skrillex is just, just awful.  That's why he has six Grammys.

 

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On a scale of Interesting Conversation to Kill Me Now, telling everybody that you ran the table last night is somewhere between Oh the McRib is Back? and I Dreamt I Could Fly.  Sorority pledge Stacy doesn't want to hear another run-of-the-mill beer pong story while she ices her shoulder at your place. You have to make the ante higher. Was the fate of the free world at stake? Were the cups filled with horse tranquillizer? Was it a game against a Sicilian with death on the line? If not, then chances are nobody wants to relive your sloppy rant and you know what, eventually you'll forget too.  Besides, your elbow was clearly over the table... and don't say, "Get a life. Who calls elbows any more?" I do. Cheater.

 

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The math here is simple. One genocide awareness video = 1 facebook group joined, 2 organizational mailing lists and -$25 to your bank account.  But, that's the price you pay to get a bracelet that shows how much you believe in human rights. For just the price of a cup of coffee you'll even sponsor a little starving boy poetically named Endurance. Then a month later you're supposed to be handing out fliers at the big rally, but it's at 7am and you have a big exam later so naturally you bail.  You'll be cramming for the test and really need a pick-me-up, but your broke ass doesn't have coffee money because Endurance is using it for crayons. Something's gotta give...and it won't be you...to Endurance.

 

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For about two weeks all that you are as a person is going to be abandoned. Friends, family, school, everything else on this list, they all fall to the wayside because you know what? The Wire/Mad Men/Breaking Bad/Dexter/Desperate Housewives is that goddamn good. You'll lock yourself away like paranoid hermit barricading yourself from man, beast and hygiene. However, this little bubble of isolation will be burst when someone comes to you with Denise the Menace type intrusiveness "Oh what season are you on? Oh really so [Character] is not even dead yet?...Oops!"  After you regain consciousness from the rage black out you'll wash their blood from your clothes and swear off the show completely.  I'm not justifying their murder, but seriously people, there's a statute of limitation on spoiler alerts and season 4 of Dexter is well within those limits.

 

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Yeah it is awesome that Jason Zimbler retweeted you. I'm the first to admit it, but you need to stop telling people about it. I completely understand that for about five days you can almost see a future where he'll keep retweeting you and eventually you'll become friends. Then you'll get to guest star on his sitcom reunion and bam you're in show business. And plus you've been given an awesome icebreaker to any one born between 1986-1992.  But, the sad truth is nobody else in the world will care that Ferguson from Clarissa Explains It All retweeted your 42-character opinion on the war in Afghanistan.  Kirk Cameron though... that's another story.

 

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Prepare to ride the classic 3-day documentary response cycle where you go from Fired Up Activist to Watched A Documentary and It Totally Made Me Think to finally Apathetic Taco Bell Eater (Repeat). There will be four days where you're all wise to the shady shit SeaWorld did then it will start to fade...like Tilikum's will to live.

Day One: Stacy, they steal their babies and the whole family cries!--It's not Tilikum's fault he was frustrated! He didn't hear the whistle!

Day Two:  SeaWorld is the bad guy here.  They spread lies about the whale's lifecycle and their happiness. They're miserable.  But, seriously... the whole movie and no reference to Free Willy?

Day Three: Ok... I need five Spicy Buffalo Grillers, a Cheesy Gordita Crunch and two Doritos Locos Tacos... Hey did you see The Cove!? Life-changing.

 

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One day while drinking a 75-oz Big Gulp you'll notice that your double chin is starting to chafe from rubbing up against your drink. It is in this moment you will decide to do that asinine borderline dangerous diet where you give up a whole section of that pyramid. You know the one that basically tells people how to stay alive? You'll do it for a month then quit, because you've developed a rash and can no longer see purples. I double dare you to email poor starving Endurance and tell him how this month you gave up drinking clean water because it makes you bloat. Jokes...he doesn't have an email, he's starving.

 

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One day you'll finally cave in and start that book Stacy has been berating you to read for months. Now you CANNOT put this son-of-a-bitch down. You see this book is really fresh because it's about a kid in a post-apocalyptic world where all the other kids are forced to do that thing that sucks.  And the government it super corrupt and the one kid is totally instrumental to a revolution because he/she is special.  Oh and there's an awesome love triangle that is not completely forced. I give you Ender's Matched Divergent Hunger Game. I bet the movie adaption won't disappoint millions...right?

 

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At some point this semester your life will become slightly less convenient and it will spur a new, loud and fired up belief in our political system.  Maybe Wikipedia will have a scheduled blackout or Dairy Queen will no longer offer Blizzards until global warming is stymied, but you'll treat it as if the government broke down your door and stole your own little E.T. You will attempt to email your senator, but you'll have to Google it because I mean who actually knows who their representatives are? But then it's like this whole thing where you can't email him directly about the Blizzards situation and eventually your brief infatuation with politics disappears overnight, much like Rob Ford's.

 

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It's the world's sport and every pedantic human turd in a Messi jersey will remind you of that. So why not join in right?  Choose the goofiest sounding city you can imagine with the most ridiculous sounding masot and suddenly you're a fan of the Berkenshire Fezziwigs. Now you can correct everyone else's pronunciation of Barcelona, while you comment on ongoing games, but only using lingo you picked up from playing FIFA '13. "That guy should have LB+Y'd there then RB'd that shot...Saw it right off." One day you'll wake up at a quarter passed sparrow fart to watch a grueling 120-minute 1-1 tie with zero playoff implications and where one of the goals was an accident. It will be in that moment of completely unfulfilled anticipation that you will realize: futbol is the blue-balls of sports.