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If you love parties, close this tab immediately!

Phew, they're gone. Now it's just us losers and we can finally admit that parties are not fun.

First of all, they all start at 9 or 10pm, which means you can't show up until 11 at the earliest, which means you need to consume an unmanageable amount of caffeine beforehand in order to enjoy yourself, which means you'll still be wide awake and drunkenly wall-eyed at 4am when you get home alone, having failed to secure any sexual activity, which everyone knows is the only reason anyone goes to parties in the first place. Secondly, it is generally too loud to meaningfully converse and too crowded with judgmental people to dance, forcing you to just STAND there in a cluster of people holding cups and pretending to care about the conversation until one by one they all drift off and you're forced to find a new cluster, but then you end up in a new cluster with one of the people from your old cluster and you worry that they think you're following them around the party because you're obsessed with them.

But you're probably not going to stop getting invited to parties anytime soon, so here are 8 cool ways to at least APPEAR to be having a good time:

 

1. Look at your phone and smile incredulously, as if to say, "I can't believe that guy! That friend of mine who just texted me something hilarious one second ago! What a card!" (Or maybe really say it out loud? Everyone's drunk. No need to be subtle.)

 

2. Try really hard to make friends with the dog, if there's a dog there. If it's not into you, congratulations, now you've been rejected by two species.

 

3. Hang out by the drinks, frowning. Occasionally lift up a bottle to read the label and shake your head, disappointed. Not a good vintage.

 

4. Pretend to be very drunk and stare into the distance while swaying slightly. Tip: most weird behavior is okay if you pretend to be doing it because you're drunk.

 

5. Go outside for a few minutes. If anyone asks, you're "smoking," but in reality, you're "standing there."

 

6. Everyone's impressed by someone who can hold her liquor. Go up to a group of people and, with concern in your voice, "Have you guys seen Christy? She had a LOT to drink. We were going shot-for-shot and I guess she couldn't handle it." Now you look like a drinking CHAMPION as well as a concerned friend.

 

7. Going to the bathroom can chew up a good half hour if there's a line and you take some extra time to stare in the mirror wondering what the hell you're doing and why you're so bad at being a young person.

 

8. Lie about having to go to another friend's party. Immediately go home.