How to Do Work at a Coffee Shop
By Hallie Cantor
1. Congratulate yourself. You actually got out of bed early on your day off to go sit in a coffee shop and work on your passion project instead of watching TV in your sweats. You're basically a modern hero. 2. Order some coffee. It's okay to get the real fancy kind that costs $3.25, because you're a paragon of 21st century artistic ambition and you DESERVE it. 3. And a pastry too? WHY NOT! 4. Hmm. Should you tip? its a little silly to tip a whole dollar on a $5 order. And all they really did was pour coffee into a cup and put a pastry on a plate. Not really worth a DOLLAR. 5. But you can't tip less than a dollar because that's more insulting than not tipping at all. 6. Okay, tip a dollar. 7. Look around and see that all the tables are occupied. 8. Sit at the weird communal table next to a guy who gives you some side-eye when he has to move his giant stack of LSAT books to make room for your computer. Fuck him! He doesn't own the communal table! 9. Crap, what's the wifi password? 10. Can't ask the side-eye guy. You two already have this weird dynamic going on. You don't need any favors from him. 11. Okay, got it from the barista. (Do you have to tip AGAIN now? Nahhh.) "Beanville2014." Time to get started on your work! 12. Ooh, cute person at the next table. 13. Hope the cute person can't see your screen. Not that what you're working on is embarrassing, it's just not ready for the public yet. It's a work in progress. 14. Whatever, they're probably not doing anything that great on THEIR computer anyway. 15. Crane your neck to see their screen. 16. Haha, what a loser, they're just on Facebook. 17. Check your Facebook real quick. 18. Okay, now it's time to get down to business. 19. Battery's gonna run out soon though. Better plug it in now so you can really focus. 20. Awkwardly crawl under three people's legs to plug your computer charger into the one wall outlet crammed with chargers. 21. Hit your head on the cute person's table as you stand up. 22. Great. You're charging, you've got the Internet, now nothing can stop you from creating some great work. 23. You have to pee. 24. Should you ask the LSAT guy to watch your stuff? No, you're still mad at him from earlier. Also, what are the chances he'd ACTUALLY protect your laptop if someone tried to take it? Yeah right. He'd probably just steal it himself and then use some LEGAL LOOPHOLE to get away with it. 25. Well, you obviously can't just leave your stuff out in the open. 26. It wouldn't be so terrible if you went home now, right? You put in like a whole half-hour of work already, probably. And you can always come back tomorrow. Yeah! You'll come back tomorrow! 27. Wow, going to a coffee shop to work 2 days in a ROW? You're like, a modern hero!