The question on everybody's mind is "What will be hot this spring?" Early speculation suggests miniskirts, but I think they are missing the point. The hottest trend this spring is definitely going to be 'Boring.' Boring is the new black. Interesting is so last season, and you wouldn't want to be caught dead in Fascinating. So get ready style aficianados, this is your guide to Boredom.
The way you should act in public.
Practice your "lurk." You need to perfect standing around as though you have something to say, and then don't say anything at all. A good technique is having an imaginary conversation in your head with the person you are staring at.
"Hey Karen, how was your weekend?"
"Great, Jim, how about yours?"
"It was pretty fun, my buddy got a new boat, so we went down to the lake. "
"Wow that's awesome, I went to-"
"Oh, Karen, sorry, my phone is ringing, I'll be right back."
That is how it should appear in your head. But the person you are "lurking" should see it as:
(After thirty seconds you run away.)
What you should talk about.
If you want to impress other fashionistas, you will start having conversations on topics that other people aren't interested in.
"I just watched a documentary about Anna Nicole Smith on E! ."
No sentence that includes the words 'documentary' and 'E (exclamation point)' can be interesting, as you have probably just summarized an episode of a 1999 True Hollywood Story that the person you are talking to has already seen. You are on track towards this season's true hipsterdom.
"Did you know that the Gross Domestic Product of the Ukraine is only slightly higher than that of Belarus."
Not as applicable if you work at an international banking firm that specializes in the economies of former Soviet nations, but a very good way to impress customers if you work at Wetzel's Pretzels in the mall.
"My cat did the cutest thing "
You can say anything here, as long as it fits with what every cat does: purr, go to sleep, wake up. This isn't applicable if your cat is Garfield eating lasagna is just too interesting for this season.
"Johasephat begot Isaac who begot Raul who begot Edgar who begot Simon who begot Dylan who begot Sidney who begot Jonathan who begot Andrew who begot Jason. Jason's my dad."
Explaining your family lineage is in. Sidenote: you must go back at least seven generations, for what you say to matter.
What to wear.
Two words: unironic t-shirts.
Do you have a t-shirt from a church event that you attended in 1997? Wear it, with the least bit of irony, let people know "I helped sell funnel cake at a bake sale ten years ago!"
Extra points if you rock a D.A.R.E. shirt, and whole-heartedly agree with using education to resist drug abuse.
Plain, is sexy this season. Try for the Laura Ingalls Wilder retro "Prairie look". Strap on a bonnet and you're ready to go. You'll look so good that your oxen won't want to ford any rivers because their eyes will be transfixed on you.
Throw out your "The Rapture" CDs, this season you should be exclusively listening to: smooth jazz, Dave Matthews Band, and podcasts on basic algebra.
If you have any Surrealist, Abstract Expressionist, or Renaissance art in your house. THROW IT OUT! Replace it with photographs of cute babies and motivational phrases. Museums and galleries are out, dental offices and high school locker rooms are in!
Forget about Barcelona, Tokyo, or Paris. The hottest city this season is definitely Palmdale, California. There is absolutely nothing to do in this high-desert, suburban enclave. Excellent!
So remember, before you prepare your faux-hawk friday night, ask yourself: "is what I am doing remotely interesting?" If the answer is "yes", RE-READ THIS GUIDE. If not, you will definitely fit in this season.
Keep it boring people!