By Susanna Wolff and Caldwell Tanner
Ironic Mustache :: I'm an annoying asshole.
Thin Mustache :: I'm a creepy asshole.
Goatee :: I'm just an asshole.
Tom Selleck Mustache :: Everyone else is an asshole.
Crustache :: I'm 13
Chin-Strap Beard :: I'm trying to make you think I have a chin.
Chin Square :: I'm doing a terrible job trying to make you think I have a chin.
The Nottingham :: I like having a beard, but also shaving every day. What the fuck is wrong with me?
Soul Patch :: I miss the 90's.
Mutton Chops :: I miss the 1890's.
Big Beard With Long Hair :: I don't care how I look.
Big Beard With Short Hair :: This is a look.
Big Beard With No Mustache :: I think this a look.
Big Beard With No Hair :: What are you looking at?
Pube Beard :: I didn't learn my lesson with the Crustache.