When you're little, you THINK you know what being drunk is like, because of cartoons and comics and tv shows, but when you get older and start actually getting drunk on a regular basis, you eventually find out that your perceptions at age 10 were actually, well, COMPLETELY RIGHT:
1. You See A Lot Of Pink Elephants
Drinking too much always causes you hallucinate and see things that aren't really there, including, most commonly, tiny pink elephants who can fly. It's similar to the phenomenon when you're really hungry and your friend's head turns into a hamburger, only drunker and more elephanty.
2. Bubbles Float Out Of Your Head
When you're drunk, 2-5 little bubbles will constantly be coming out of your head and floating around your general face area. Are these bubbles made of beer? Probably. But now everyone's gonna see the bubbles and know you're drunk.
3. A Lampshade Ends Up On Your Head At Some Point
Literally every single time you drink alcohol, the night will end with a lampshade on your head. Presumably, you will get so intoxicated, you will think you are the "Life of the Party" and yell "Hey look at me, I'm the Life Of The Party!" and take a lampshade and put it on your head to confirm this fact.
NOTE: If there are no lamps with large, head-sized lampshades in the room, this will still happen.
4. You Will Hiccup And Say "HIC!" In Between Every Word
You will also say "DUUHHHHHHH" when people ask you simple questions. Here is a typical intoxicated conversation:
FRIEND: Hey duude! Will you hand me the green cup, please?
YOU: (Hic!) DUUUUHHHHRRRRR!!!!! (Hic!) WHICH ONE (Hic!) IS DATTTTT? (BURP!!!!)
FRIEND: (Lovingly shakes head at you)
5. Your Eyes Will Get All Crossed And You'll See Double
If you look in the mirror, you'll notice your eyes are permanently crossed and/or facing in all sorts of crazy directions. Do not panic; this is classic "Beer Eye." Unfortunately, this will cause everything you see to appear double. Or, if you're even drunker, triple. Or, if you're even drunker than that, triple and also spinning like a slot machine. Be careful!
6. You Will Wake Up The Next Morning With Zero Consequences Except For A Squiggly Line Over Your Head And Some Stubble
Also your wife might playfully shake her head at you, but that's it. So DRINK UP!