By Jacob Andrews
1. Ad for a shirt that says "Of Course I'm Awesome, I'm an ANDREWS."
2. "Looks like SOMEONE needs a shave! Have you considered the Dollar Shave Club to clean up that hairy mug of yours? (Seriously Jacob, you're never getting laid with that mess on your face)"
3. "Wow Jacob, are you eating FOUR chili dogs?! Is that really the best idea considering your cholesterol levels? Try the INSANITY workout DVD set to counteract your inevitable chubsplosion!"
4. "Jacob, you may not have noticed, but that mole on your left butt cheek is looking a little questionable. Click here to make an appointment with your local Dermatologist! Don't worry, it's not that creepy one you went to a year ago. This one is way better and doesn't smell like a retirement home."
5. "We noticed that you weren't sleeping well last night, Jacob Andrews. We watched as you tossed and turned, sweat beads forming on your brow, desperate to find a comfortable position. What was troubling you so? Were you suddenly gripped with anxiety about your parents' eventual death? There's no reason you should be exhausted tomorrow when you wake up at 8:21am to drive 3.7 miles to your job at the pharmacy down the road. CLICK HERE to order Simply Sleep and say goodbye to those late nights!"
6. "We know about the incident at the farmhouse, Jacob. The question isn't how we know, but you can live with yourself. Eat at Subway."