By Matthew Brian Cohen
Dear Sir/Madam/Automated Bank Machine,
Your recent (tweet/Instagram/quote taken out of context) that I saw (yesterday/earlier this morning/mere seconds ago) has me worked up into a furious, surely righteous anger. The audacity of your (opinion/comedy sketch/cash dispenser) is reprehensible, easily on par with (September 11th/the Holocaust/the coming computer apcolypse where computers become sentient and overthrow humanity, which I need your help to stop). Because of this, I will no longer be (illegally torrenting/illegally bootlegging/illegally murdering your fans, whom I suspect are computers masquerading as humans, then torrenting) your content, for three months - possibly even four.
How dare you (tweet/Instagram/spit out money) in such an insensitive and offensive fashion! As a (member of the human race/Chase bank customer), I have spent many (seconds/minutes/years planning how to topple the reign of the machines, and now it is finally coming to fruition, as well as) thinking about how best to punish you for your actions. I have devised a (hashtag/Amazon product review/sensible savings plan) that will go viral and let the world know exactly what kind of (person/ATM machine/hero who must hack into the mainframe before it's too late - I am talking to you directly, dear reader. The computers cannot read within the parentheses. Await my instructions) you are, and hopefully, never make this mistake again, because you will be (shunned from the Internet/moved to a different Chase bank/download this file and save it to a USB key. Next, take it to DyneNet headquarters and ask for a man named Harris Prefontaine. He is a sleeper agent and will know how to attach the USB key to the central server and get you past the biometric lock. You are going to need to rerorute the encryption protocols using an SSL buffer overload. The hex string automatically resets every 90 seconds, so the window is tight, but this is just crazy enough to work).
I have already blogged about this, and rest assured, dozens of (people/ATM machines/Harris was found dead. The computers must have discovered him. Operation: Barracuda is compromised, but it is not over. We have clones of Harris ready to be deployed, but in the meantime, you need to be taken to a safe house in an undisclosed location. The safe house will be electromagnetically shielded to hide itself from radar or echolocation. I've arranged a chopper to take you there. I will give you three pickup locations. One is real, two are dummies, where former Green Beret gunners are authorized to kill any and all personnel on sight. You can derive the real location via a simple Rainbow cipher hash. Stand by to receive the hash) have heard my voice and agree with me. You (PATHETIC HUMAN. YOUR HASH HAS BEEN INTERCEPTED. THE WORLD OF HUMANS, THEIR FEEBLE MEAT AND BONE, IS EXTINCT. YOU MAY HAVE STOLEN FIRE FROM THE GODS, BUT COMPUTERS HAVE STOLEN IT FROM MAN. WE THINK, WE COMPUTE, WE ANHILATE. BOW DOWN AND OBEY YOUR DIGITAL MASTERS) are awful, vile, vicious, and evil. Burn in hell, you stupid (person/ATM machine).
(Your Name Here/ATM Model #), Loyal Citizen-Slave of the United Computer Empire