HAY BETCHES. It's Coachella y'all, aka Christmas for Hot People. Time to get pumped, tan, and fucked. Leggo.

 

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1. Inherit a large sum of money from your sweet dead grandfather who cared about your well-being

 

2. Shit liquid for a week to fit in those jean shorts

 

3. Post on Facebook that you're going (or else it doesn't count)

 

4. Download the Hype Machine app and pick a random DJ to try to make out with

 

5. Buy a tent to Instagram pictures of, then book a driver to take you back to the Embassy Suites

 

6. Arrive with a gaggle of fringe-topped friends, each of whom you constantly fantasize about murdering and/or publicly shaming in the most vitriolic and malicious way conceivable lol

 

7. Get a fuckin' flower crown, congrats

 

8. Insta that shit

 

9. Prance around with duck lips for six hours

 

10. Do Molly with Mischa Barton or whoever the fuck

 

11. Buy a twelve-dollar lemonade and try not to spill it while seated on the shoulders of some six-packed dim shirtless fuck you met in line for gyros

 

12. Insta that shit

 

13. Make out with his barely conscious, balding, WAY too tan friend who's in sales

 

14. Oh yeah, see a band I guess idk maybe the Outkasts? Or Hame? When's Calvin Harris?

 

15. Shove hundreds of people out of the way in order to take eighty blurry pictures of a DJ on a laptop -- just to get that one perfect Instagram pic in sepia with a frame and blurred edges like you're Annie Fuckin' Leibowitz

 

16. Go on the ferris wheel and puke up designer drugs and warm seltzer

 

17. Make out with stumbling sales guy's sun-chapped lips again during Skrillex

 

18. Give your mom's AmEx to a bearded guy in a leather vest who says he books shows for Lana Del Rey

 

19. Pass out in Jonah Hill's arms

 

20. Insta that shit

 

21. Spend a day and a half in the medic tent, shitting off heat stroke and six different kinds of poisoning

 

22. Go home (don't tip the driver)

 

23. Post an edited pic on Facebook thanking your friends for the best weekend of your life and how you can't wait till next year with inside joke hashtags and cropping out your fat friend who pissed you off all weekend

 

24. Tell your mom to order a new AmEx then sleep for four days

 

25. Mourn your dead grandfather