Knock, knock. Hey, sport. Are you busy? Well, just take a quick homework break. We need to talk.
Yes, "the talk."
I know, I know, this is a bit awkward. But you're growing up and as your father I need to tell you about, uh, how the world works. I just want to make sure you have all the facts. About jay-walking.
No, come on, sit down. This doesn't have to be weird. Jay-walking is just a normal part of adult life. I know you've probably already heard a lot around the locker room or on the internet. Don't lie, it's the home computer, son, I've seen the browsing history. But it's not like that in the real world -- don't think that it's all jay-walking for hours and hours on end with multiple streets. That's all fantasy.
I want to tell you what it's like in reality. Now, when a man or a woman is walking somewhere, sometimes they want to travel faster. Maybe they don't want to wait for a light, or they don't want to go to the end of a block to cross, or they just want to be on the other side of the street. So they, uh, they step out and walk across the street, to get to the other side.
Come on son, it's not gross, it's natural. Every creature jay-walks: people, animals, even plants, they all do it. How do you think a deer gets to the other side of a stream? Or a salmon gets across a bunch of rocks? Or a rose bush climbs a trellis? It's natural.
And I know you don't want to hear it, but I've jay-walked myself, son. Come on, stop. You're not going to puke. I wasn't always a fuddy-duddy dad. Boy, I jay-walked a lot back in my NYU days. It's just something that, when you get to a certain age, you start wanting to do. For good reason - it feels great, like regular walking, only better.
But you have to be responsible and safe. Jay-walking can be dangerous if you're not careful. You have to pay attention, check your surroundings, and wear shoes. Always. If you need to, you can borrow mine, no questions asked. I keep them under my bedside table, just grab them whenever. You need to protect yourself - you could get an infection. You could slip and fall. You could break a limb. You could get fined by a cop.
Don't feel rushed into it if you're not ready. You might feel pressure, like people will think less of you if you don't jay-walk. Some people wait a long time to jay-walk, and that's okay. Because you don't want to cross just any road. It should be special. Make sure it's a road that you really care about.
Because you don't want to be known as a frequent jay-walker. I don't want to shame anyone or encourage you to judge people or use bad language, but you need to keep your reputation in mind. It's one thing to be an active, healthy jay-walker with the streets you love and trust. And I hope that some day you can have healthy jay-walking relationships and you can jog across streets. It's okay to experiment safely but don't get carried away, alright sport? It's just, it's hard to shake once it's what you're known for.
Does that all make sense? Do you have any questions? Okay, no I understand, but don't be embarrassed to ask. Now you probably understand all those, why-did-the-chicken-cross-the-road jokes your uncle makes at Thanksgiving, huh?
Okay, alright, alright. Get back to your homework. Sorry to interrupt.
Good talk, sport.