Everyone hates the out-of-towner who doesn't know how to act in NYC. Here are 5 tips that will help you blend in and avoid looking like an ignorant tourist.
1. Eat Smelly Food on the Subway ONLY
REAL New Yawkahs hate nothing more than smelling your food out on the street, so make sure you save your MOST aromatic meals (Indian takeout, vat of kimchee, etc.) for the subway, so the scent is contained! That's basic NYC Living 101: Be considerate.
2. Walk as Slowly as Possible
During your time in the Big Apple, you'll need to slow your roll through NY's groovy grid-iron. That's because you may be stopped by a canvasser or a comedy show promoter, and it's considered INCREDIBLY rude not to listen to their pitch in full. Also, always walk slowly on the left and pass people on the right, since oncoming cars can more easily avoid hitting the slow and elderly. It just makes sense if you think about it! Use your brains, guys.
3. Hug the Subway Pole With Your Whole Body
Not only does this trick prevent you from falling over onto someone's lap (annoying!), but it shows everyone else that you are the Alpha of the train car. Proving your dominance is the best way to avoid getting mugged. I know this to be true as surely as I know that Times Square is the grittiest and most authentic part of New York City, and that bodegas all have secret Real New Yorkers Only bathrooms, but they will only let you use them if you insist forcefully enough.
4. If You Must Stop, Do It On The Subway Stairs
If you pause in the middle of the sidewalk to text, look at a map, or deal with an umbrella, you're interfering with the flow of traffic. As all REAL New Yorkers say frequently in real life, FUHGEDDABOUTIT! That's why you should always, ALWAYS stop directly at the top of the subway stairs. Bonus: the TRULY savvy straphanger will stop right in front of the only available turnstile to figure out exactly where they're going -- that way, no one else can get into the station before you and take your seat on the train!
5. Always Get on the Train Before Letting Others Off
Without question, the easiest way to spot a New York n00b is to see some clueless sap trying to wait for passengers to exit the train before they get on. True locals know that NYC is not for the timid, and the clear way to get a good spot is to muscle your way into the car as soon as the doors open. You'd be ASTOUNDED how many IDIOTS in New York don't follow this simple rule of thumb. It's just basic logic, people! DOYYYY!