Are you bedeviled by it's 4-by-4 dimensions? Do multiples of two taunt you in your slumber?

 

Fear not. There is hope.

 

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Named after early 2048 pioneer, Mike Suarez, the SCT is as much a puzzle strategy as it is an outlook on life. Here, the key is to isolate the highest values in the corners. From there, layer tiles in descending order, build horizontally, and strike vertically.

 

This tactic may suit you if: (A) you like to work the corners.

(B) you want to first master the fundamentals.

(C) you are Mike Suarez.

 

 

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For the enterprising amongst you, outsourcing is a clever way to bypass the anguish of the game, achieve 2048, and exploit the poor. To do so: find someone smarter than you and pay them to do it (Pro Tip: consider having them live with you). Your dad may try to dissuade you with comments like: "you can't fix a problem by throwing money at it." It's important to remember, however, that he peaked at 1024 and has no idea what the fuck he's talking about. So, take out a hefty deposit and start spending.

 

This tactic may suit you if: (A) you grandfather recently died and willed you millions.

(B) you plan on killing your grandfather who has willed you

millions.

        (C) you're busy catching up on Scandal.

 

 

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If you think the Enlightenment was a sham and Pythagoras was a pussy, this is the tactic for you. Closing Your Eyes and Moving Your Fingers Around At Random is a favorite of 2048 bad-boys who don't have time for basic addition. Here, the secret ingredient is adding your own signature blend of DGAF-ness and doing it the way you do everything else: through excruciating trial-and-error.

 

This tactic may suit you if: (A) a Magic Eight Ball makes most of your decisions.

(B) you're between jobs.

(C) you have hand spasms.

 

 

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Critics decry this tactic as being "unorthodox," but you didn't get into 2048 for orthodoxy did you? This tactic involves scribbling "2048" onto your phone or computer (or anywhere really) in permanent marker. Once you start, there's no stopping you. Wanna keep things fresh? Switch to other surfaces: paper, tables, geese, children, etc. While opponents may tell you "it doesn't really count," " why did you ruin your screen?" or "Are you back on whippets? God dammit Mark, you're ruining this family." it all seems to fade away when you see the final validating result: 2048.

 

This tactic may suit you if: (A) you own a permanent marker.

(B) your wife recently took the kids to her mom's.

(C) you're really not addicted to whippets so stop asking!

 

 

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A bit time-intensive, but a sure-fire tactic for the purist 2048 player: Seducing 2048 Developer, Gabriele Cirulli. To do so, you'll need: a one-way ticket to Italy (Cirulli's home country), a winning personality, major reconstructive surgery, and a can-do attitude! Once there, you'll need several years to become intimate with Gabriele and build a life together. Eventually, in your old age, you'll move out to Tuscany (because you both just love it there), and spend your twilight years together in the countryside. On his deathbed, he'll pull you close and whisper the secret to 2048. Victory.

 

This tactic may suit you if: (A) you're have some down time.

(B) you have a personal connection to Gabriele Cirulli.

(C) you have no issue looking into your children's puffy eyes

at the funeral and telling them that their creation was part

of a ploy to win a once-popular puzzle app.

 

 

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Don't kid yourself. 2048 was never going to happen.