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Greetings, sir or madam,

Your current station in life has attracted the attention of the omnipotent rulers of the universe, us, the Illuminati. We would hereby like to invite you to join our order of infinite power. However, while we are inviting you, please realize turning down the "offer" is not possible. If you don't join you will be sent to another dimension. A dimension where we have even more power and our invitations are even more threatening. We can do that.

You have undoubtedly heard whispers of our existence and deeds, but let us now reveal the true scope of our society. Every government power but one is under our command, and the one that isn't is because we don't want it. It can keep its banks, watches, and neutrality. We already have Switzerland.

The global economy is our plaything. Sometimes we flip a coin to determine whether or not coins should still have value. So far the world hasn't had to deal with worthless coins, but statistically it's only a matter of time before the arcade industry plummets. For you see, we can make any industry crumble at any given moment. You remember Beanie Babies, I'm sure. Due to us, they didn't grow into Beanie Adults.

Movies, books, music, television, Music Television. No form of entertainment goes out to the unenlightened (we call them the IllumiNOTi, but it really only works in print since it sounds exactly the same as the Illuminati, so don't say it out loud because we'll know if you do) without first passing by our very elaborate desks. Subliminal messages are placed in each form of media so our rule is cleverly obscured from the public. Sure, a few conspiracy theories leak out, but who do you think leaks those theories? Hmmmm?

Really, who do you think leaks those theories? Because it's not us, and it could threaten our existence. If we wanted it to, that is.

As a member of the Illuminati, we will use you as a vessel to do our bidding, but the benefits are well worth the extreme manipulation. With the attached membership card and mini keychain version you now possess the right to:

  • Walk onto any crime scene for any reason.
  • Skip lines at participating theme parks.
  • Give people jury duty.
  • Visit Switzerland.
  • Rename a star in most galaxies.
  • Remove one word from the dictionary.
  • Pass Go and collect $200, even if a card says not to.
  • Void past promises.
  • Be excluded from the laws of physics for a weekend (must request in advance).
  • Plus several others!

To acknowledge your acceptance of our mandatory invitation, please construct a rather large, rather golden pyramid on your front yard by tomorrow. If not constructed by tomorrow, we shall construct it for you, but we'd rather not have to do that. That's time we could be spending on rigging middle school elections.

Be aware that if you attempt to show this letter to a member of the IllumiNOTi, its true message will be hidden. Instead it will appear to them as an invitation to your band's next show at a local bar. Good luck then explaining to them how you don't actually have a band and won't be playing that night. So you see, you have no choice but to join.

We welcome you to the Illuminati and can't wait to see you on a crime scene in the near future!

Yours omnipotently,

The Illuminati