20. Bolding text - "I be that I-G-G-Y, put my name in bold"

Wow, you know how to use a word processor. Big deal--I can do italics.

 

19. Throwing change at people - "I been working, I'm up here with change to throw"

It's the coins with the lowest denominations that hurt the worst. And I would know--can barely see what I'm typing thanks to that Eisenhower I took to my left peeper.

 

18. Shopping online - "Swagger on super, I can't shop at no department" 

Over 75% of my Beanie Baby collection was purchased online. You can do better than that, Iggy.

 

17. Ordering a glass of Ace champagne, a glass of Grey Goose vodka, and a glass of Cristal champagne - "Cup of Ace, cup of Goose, cup of Cris"

Three drinks? That's it? Hope you don't mind being sober by lunchtime.

 

16. Messing with the thermostat - "Yeah, keep on turning it up"

What? You don't have a sweater?

 

15. Teaching physics - "I can hold it down, like I'm giving lessons in physics"

I dated my physics teacher in high school, so believe me, they're not doing that well. Good benefits though.   

 

14. Edible gold - "I'm so fancy, you can taste this gold" 

Gold leaf is flavorless and, honestly, pretty tasteless, too.

 

13. Shopping over the phone - "Make the phone call, feels so good getting what I want"

Having enough confidence just to pick up the phone is a luxury.

 

12. Spilling champagne - "Champagne spilling, you should taste that" 

Stanley Steemer ain't cheap.

 

11. Gold gun trigger - "Slayin' these hoes gold trigger on the gun like"

I remember seeing something like this on "Antiques Roadshow"--not nearly as valuable as I would have guessed.

 

10. Paper mache - "Put that paper over all, I thought you knew that, knew that"

Sure, the supplies are inexpensive, but it's really a lost art. Shoot me an email and I'll link you to my Etsy store.

 

9. Trashing a hotel room - "Trash the hotel"

I tried this at the Y and let's just say no one was confusing me for Leo DiCaprio.

 

8. Getting drunk on the contents of a hotel minibar - "Let's get drunk on the minibar"

I can only imagine the amount of trashing one can do with easy access to alcohol.

 

7. Fishing - "Bring the hooks in, where the bass at?"

Who has the time these days?

 

6. Solipsism - "First things first, I'm the realest"

A philosophy degree?! Impracticality is the essence of splendor.

 

5. Swinging on chandeliers - "Chandelier swinging, we don't give a fuck"

Risky! Just the cost of hiring an electrician to rewire the ceiling when the chandelier is inevitably ripped out of it would put me in the red. Well, more in the red.

 

4. Owning The Departed on Blu-ray - "And my flow retarded, each beat dear, departed" 

I'm already on my third copy! She either has the world's best security or some very classy friends. Nothing like the yahoos I live with at the Y.

 

3. Private jet from Los Angeles to Tokyo - "I'm in the fast lane, from L.A. to Tokyo"

They probably give you extra peanuts. Too bad I'm allergic.

 

2. Time travel - "Rooftop like we bringing '88 back"

Republicans have been trying to do this for decades, and it's not like they're strapped for cash. Go Iggy!

 

1. Adopting a rescue dog - "You should want a bad bitch like this (huh?)"

There's nothing fancier than opening up your home and heart to others.

 

Alex Watt is on TwitterTumblr and an ego trip.