1. You want all the information up front

 

The rise of clickbait titles and lists has drastically changed our mental reward structure when it comes to online content. Your brain has been rewired to continually hop from link to link, tab to tab, GIF to GIF. Therefore, if you are going to commit to clicking on something, you need to know exactly what you're getting into - either through a deliberately baity hook, or an easily digestible mini-summary that you can process right from the get-go. Craft and ambiguity be damned.



2. You never read to the end of things

 

Why would you? Like most people, you probably have a routine. You see something that piques your interest. You click, you get a sense of what the article is about, maybe read one or two items, and then move on. In many ways, it's has become the most efficient way to browse the internet. If you actually were to read to the end of everything you click on, you'd probably experience a lot less of what the internet has to offer overall. This has, in turn, changed what it means to be a professional writer, especially one who writes mainly for the internet. Blocks of text have become far less appealing to the average internet reader, and therefore the impetus is on the writer to adapt to that, seeing as the impetus is on the blah blah blah



3. You did not make it to here

 

No chance. Well, maybe 30%. Now 20%. Number is dropping. Fast. Still here? Well. OK. Telling you right now, you're not going to learn anything else. I just made it 7 items because that seems more impressive than 2. I assure you, nothing of interest is coming.




4. Bananagram. Bing bong. Moviefone.com.

 

Filling up space. Nothin. I got nothin.




5. Four score and seven years ago our fathers

 

brought forth on this continent, a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal. Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure. We are met on a great battle-field of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this. But, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate -- we can not consecrate -- we can not hallow -- this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract. I am just going to start typing in the middle here because you are not reading this, and I don't blame you because I didn't either when I copy-and-pasted this, ok that's enough, now back to the speech. The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. Piss, shit, fuck. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us -- that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion -- that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain -- that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom -- and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.



6. I once hit a guy with a car and then lied about it in court

 

Perjury, baby. September 14th, 2009. 38k in hospital bills. Paid nada.




fuck it, didn't even make a 7 because who are you going to complain to, the internet police?

 

great job, go read a book