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Whether it's your niece, your friend's kid, or just some random child you teach or babysit or happened to be standing near, this is always super confusing. Even if it's a photo of a close friend and you're positive they don't have a kid, you'll do a double-take, followed by "oh yeah, they didn't suddenly just have a 4-year-old, never mind." Followed by "wait...so who the hell is that kid?"

 

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Also, be your own person!! HE DON'T DEFINE YOU, GUURRLL!!! Ah crap, I wrote that on the guy's wall by mistake. Well whatever, that just proves my point.



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Look, I do live shows too, and I can totally sympathize with how hard it is to get your lazy friends to come to your stupid event -- but that being said, literally no one in the history of clickable images has clicked on a profile photo that's a poster, read the poster, went "hm!", and marked down the date of that event so they could attend.

 

ALL you're doing is making your Facebook comments look like they're being spoken by a tiny yellow square. (NOTE: If this is your intention, then disregard!)

 

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Speaking of confused double-takes, don't give your friends the opportunity to see + misinterpret this, no matter how big of a House-Lannister fan you may be.

 

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I know you're really excited about bringing a new life into this world, but it's time you heard the hard truth: There are only three sonogram pictures in existence, and doctors just pass them around among patients because they all look exactly, indiscernibly identical.

Fun Fact! All three sonograms in existence are actually fetal former president "Ike" Eisenhower from different angles.

 

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Headshots are a necessity in "The Biz" (a DanHopper OriginalTM term) and they're ULTRA-expensive and usually look unrealistically great, but I'm sorry, if your headshot is also what you use to represent yourself to your casual friends, you automatically look somewhere between 20-55% an asshole.

Even if you're a close friend who I really like, if I see a black-and-white pic of you posing all cool-like, a tiny part of me is thinking "Check out this asshole who I'm close friends with." Sorry! It's the pic. You asshole. (Sorry again!)

 

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This may sound hypocritical after also illegal-izing the "couples with the same pics," but it's even WEIRDER to see a pic of someone with their arm clearly around someone who we deliberately can't see. We're just gonna wonder who's over there. A LOVER? An EX? A GHOST? A FETAL "IKE" EISENHOWER? All FOUR??

You're just asking for that exact question, is what I'm saying.

 

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 Fortunately, this is already a Federal Crime.