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~!~!~BEAUTIFUL, COZY SPACE *LAUNDRY* *DISHWASHER* *NO FEES*~!~!~ Posted by MomAndDad;)

 

STOP RIGHT NOW. You've found what you're looking for, Brian!

 

Really? Really! See for yourself, honey:

  • luxurious common space shared by Mom, Dad, and Kaley!
  • Free laundry service! (ABSOLUTELY ZERO upfront guilt trips).
  • close to your favorite restaurants AND homemade meals!
  • Large windows facing out into the big, scary world.

 

Hi there! We are looking for a fourth roommate to fill the cavernous, implacable hole in our hearts. Are you the man for the job? 

 

You:

  • handsome, smart, strong-willed, a COLLEGE GRADUATE!!!!!!!!
  • gainfully employed (so proud of you, my PAID intern :O :D )
  • sexually respectful of our house rules. First through second base in the bedroom allowed as always, but VERY quietly. Third and fourth at someone else's clean home, thank you.

 

We are:

  • kind, respectful, always here for you
  • interested in your life, always sharing our food
  • clean, good values, open to visitors (but NOT Gavin for god's sake) (Or Gavin's skinnier twin - what's his name? Roy? What a dud.)
  • dealing as always with small but surmountable marital problems
  • thinking of getting a dog? What do you think?
  • stocking the bookshelf: LSATs? Is there a GED for dentists? Can I throw out your manga or do you still need it?
  • LONELY (Kaley doesn't hug us anymore. Only when we explicitly ask, and even then it's a weak grip)

 

Sq. Footage: It was good enough when you were in the 60th percentile in weight, it'll be good enough for you now!

Gym: Do you want Mom's old AS SEEN ON TV fat burner things? I think Kevin Spacey uses them on House of Cards, they're cool again.  

Parking: Kaley is learning to drive so we had to move your boxes of Maxim magazines into the garbage. Can you find those online? Sorry!

Lease Duration: Now --> forever! (Although we may want to move when Kaley leaves the nest but we will of course give you a heads up)

 

If interested contact DAD. Mom lost her cellphone and is afraid Kaley's friends are stealing her things, which of course is ridiculous, but then again she HAD her cellphone when they came in and now it's gone, so, I mean... okay she found it, no wait that's Kaley's mini iPad. Can you call it to check? 

 

Anyway, let us know ASAP! Going off the market QUICKLY if Kaley annexes the space and turns it into a - what did you call it, honey? A "Watering Hole For Like-Minded Minds." What does that mean, Brian? Sex Dungeon?

 

Please come home we are falling apart without you.