Welcome to AT&T! Thinking about buying a cell phone? Relax. As tempting as it is to just drone on and on for the next 40 minutes going over things like" rollover minutes" and coverage maps, this time we're going to just blow right past the boring stuff and get right to the features you actually care about. So what can owning a cell phone do for you, you ask?

 

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Ever get stuck in an elevator with some goober who feels compelled to fill the silence with meaningless conversation neither of you actually care about? No more! Once you have a cell phone, any situations you would normally be vulnerable to mindless non-versations with clueless strangers suddenly become just another excuse to whip out your portable super computer and remove yourself from society for as long as necessary! Will you peruse your emails, text your buddies, or just pretend to be busy until it's time to proceed? As long as it means never having to waste another second chit-chatting about the weather with people you'll never see again, who cares?

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Say whaaat? No really, it works the other way too. Let's say you're in a situation where you actually want to approach a stranger (i.e. the hot girl at the party every guy is too intimidated to talk to) but aren't sure what to say. Then all the sudden you notice she's texting on an iPhone. Well what a coincidence, you know who also happens to have an iPhone and, because they use it every single day of their life, naturally has a series of interesting comments and questions to ask about this very topic? YOU, that's who! Hell, you might as well buy two! Okay okay, just one. With a two-year contract. And a massive data plan. And U-Verse. Welcome to the club!

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As long as we're on the subject of talking about your cell phone, why not expand this to its natural extreme? That's right, if you're an otherwise boring person with absolutely nothing important to say, you might as well just go ahead and make your cell phone THE SINGLE THING THAT DEFINES YOU AS A PERSON. Don't be shy, there are literally millions of other people out there embracing this exact same shtick as we speak, and if the thousands of hours they collectively waste each year fidgeting with their phones for no reason and making up bullshit problems just to have something to complain about are any indication, the strategy works to perfection.  What do you say? Can we interest you in a phone....and a lifestyle?    

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With a cell phone, staying in touch with the people you care about has never been easier. Why, you could send them a text message, poke them on your Facebook app, send them a Snapchat, Tweet them, Skype them, do we need to go on? Okay good. Just don't call them, whatever you do. Yeah you heard us, it's not cool anymore to CALL people using your MOBILE TELEPHONE. What are you, some sort of weirdo?

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Tired of hearing know-it-alls regurgitate supposed "facts" you're 99% sure are total bullshit? Then you're in luck. As a cell phone user, any verifiable data in the world is now available at your fingertips (or voice command) 24 hours a day, seven days a week, and whether it's an overly enthusiastic sports fan or a paranoid conspiracy theorist that's trying to pull your technologically synchronized leg, any fact-citer in your presence will have to think twice after you start calling them out on their lies and simultaneously texting them a direct link to your source (along with a diabolically satisfying smiley face emoticon, of course). Still deciding whether to buy a phone or is this debate OFFICIALLY OVER?

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No need to lug around a separate camera anymore: modern cell phones come with a digital camera built right in, complete with high resolution, plenty of megapixels, and all the qualifications necessary to capture beautiful quality photographs....of yourself. That's right, now that your camera travels wherever you go, you can take pictures of yourself anywhere you want! Take a picture of yourself in your car, at the club, making duck lips in front of your bathroom mirror...the possibilities are endless (of backgrounds on which to project your big stupid face, that is)! Also works on: dick pics.

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Because why pay for an alarm clock, a flashlight, AND a calculator when we'll throw in one of each for FREE along with the phone you're about to spend $200 on (plus $40-$80 a month...for life)?