undefined


I really shouldn't have to be telling experienced members of the United States Air Force this, but to make things crystal clear: military drones are not to be used for personal reasons. This includes picking up your laundry, watching your child's sporting event from the sky, and paying your respects at funerals.

We've very recently been cleared to use domestic drones for in-country surveillance regarding matters of National Security, and we cannot afford to lose that privilege because someone, Hank, used a MQ-1 Predator to take pictures of Mount Rushmore so he could claim he'd been there. You could've just used pictures from the internet and we would've believe you, Hank.

These aren't your 17 million dollar errand machines, people! These are highly sophisticated UAVs. That stands for Unmanned Aerial Vehicle, not Useful Air Vacuum. I say that, because I know some of you are using the drones' extremely powerful exhaust systems to blow the dust out of your outdoor patio carpets and rugs. A drone isn't a Roomba, even though the same man invented them both.

Case in point of the problem: most of you are attending this meeting with your drone instead of being here in person. The drone control room where you're all sitting is only 50 feet away from here, and yet I'm talking to a room full of drones and Hank. Well, that's more donuts for me and Hank.

This isn't just an order from me, this is coming down from the General himself! Apparently he saw one of you using a drone to run your garage sale. I mean couldn't you have just rescheduled the garage sale for another day? And I don't see how the drone could make change or haggle with customers, but I guess that could be a good thing too. Either way, I'm really thinking some of you are just blatantly asking to be punished right now because-Hey! Whoever is using their drone to move the table of donuts back to the control room, stop it!

Seriously, people, you don't see NASA using their rover to walk their dogs or wash their cars. And don't tell me that's only because it's on Mars. That may be one small reason, but the main reason they don't exploit their technology for their own gain is because they're professionals and they act like it!

Any further use of drones for non-military reasons will result in immediate and severe punishment including the loss of drone privileges. You'll still be required to do the entirety of your surveillance work, but you'll have to do it the old fashioned way. Holding your ear next to a cup on a wall to hear someone in the next room, pretending to read a newspaper while actually watching a crime, or cutting the eyes out of a portrait in a suspect's house so they have to bring the portrait to our portrait restoring business front where we can then bug the frame and listen in on any possible misdeeds. See how hard your work becomes when you don't have a drone doing those things for you!

I believe my point has been made. This meeting is over.

Now I must be off to help my son get his Boy Scout badge for making a roaring campfire, and I'll have you know I won't be using a drone to do it for me! Just a man's ingenuity and a handful of napalm.