[THE YEAR is sometime in between Now and Every Movie That Takes Place In The Future. The President of the United States steps to the podium to make a staggering announcement.]

 

Hello America. I, your president, would like to announce a few radical changes that the entire government just agreed upon to help take our country from "Current Doing Fine Place" to "COOL FUTURISTIC BETTERWORLD." The following changes will be implemented immediately:

 

1. We are replacing the ENTIRE government -- House, Senate, myself, you name it -- with three sagely dudes in white robes with long white beards.



We will call them "The Three Clerics" or just "The Three," and they will convey all government decisions to us through telepathy while floating in a giant chamber in the "Temple of Elders" (the middle guy will float a little higher than the other two).

I realize this is a radical, abrupt departure from our current system of Constitutional checks and balances, but I assure you, I've looked towards the future, and three vaguely-magical dudes proclaiming cryptic wisdom is definitely the way to go. Also they'll have orbs.


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2. All major cities will be renamed something cool and futuristic.



I know most cities have had their names for 300+ years and changing them now may cause confusion, but I really think this will move us into the new Mega-Century (and we're gonna start calling centuries that).

 

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3. One giant, shady corporation will now be in charge of all manufacturing, technology, and missiles and shit.



Instead of letting businesses compete, we're going to merge every business in every field of manufacturing into one giant, ULTRA-shady company that will simultaneously control and abuse the shit out of all technology and military weaponry, until we finally turn control of everything over to a glowing robot brain attached to tubes that immediately becomes self-aware and is evil and incinerates every scientist.

I still haven't decided if it'll be called CoTech or Tech-Co, or something more menacing like, VIPER-Tech...Co? Gotta get Tech and Co in there.

They'll be headquartered in a MASSIVE silver building in the heart of Californiaopolis, where they'll manufacture technology that looks exactly like the technology of today but like SLIGHTLY futureier. Like, an iPod, but it's got like blue flames up the side and you can see through it. SWEET.

 

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4. To satisfy our ever-growing appetite for televised violence, people will get murdered in Sports now.



You know how over the last couple decades, we've become increasingly aware of the dangers of contact sports with respect to head trauma and long-term brain injuries? And as a result we've taken steps to study this phenomenon further and take whatever basic precautions we can to ensure our athletes are better protected?

Nah. Fuck that. BRING ON THE MURDER SPORTS!

Now in place of the popular and incredibly-profitable sports we've watched for over a century, sports are gonna be these crazed gladiatorial events where athletes constantly end each other's lives fighting over a glowing trapezoid or something. OR, wrongly-convicted felons have to run from mercenary Kill-Bots for money. Those are the two sports now.

Who's gonna want to play a sport where people
constantly die, you ask? I don't know, it'll be the future. People will want to in the future, I imagine. They'll LOVE that shit then.



5. All clothing is now silver and futurey.



I double-checked the Constitution to make sure this wasn't outside the scope of my power, and after skimming it a couple times while kinda half-watching
New Girl I've determined that I can Federally-enforce a National Dress Code.



OUT:
Jeans, shirts, pants, dresses, jackets, etc. You name it, it's done.



IN:
Metallic silver one-piece jumpsuits with an angle on it somewhere.



It's about time we start dressing like it's the
second of these ten centuries in the Willennium.


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6. Hairstyles remain exactly the same as they are now.


Self explanatory.



7. No more new music.



70 years from now, everyone will still be listening to music from this era or earlier. UNLESS they're aliens and they're listening to theremin noises, because aliens love that.



8. Food Replicators, Teleporters, and Seashell-Related Bathroom Technology: Let's get ON it, people.



Also flying cars.

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9. OH! Also, let's make dates & times long and weird.


Instead of our current system of date-keeping, "Years, Months, Days / Hours, Minutes, Seconds" (henceforth known as "The BRONZE TURD Datekeeping System"), all dates and times will now either be long, indecipherable decimals, or include the letter X in them. X is the coolest letter (this will become clear as we move further into the future), so why not have Xs in years? Seriously, I'm asking. You can't think of anything, right? BLAM. BRING ON THE X-YEARS!!!

 

10. Also Sex is outlawed.


Any objections? No, right? Cool. Thank you for your time.

 

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