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Why are they doing this? Surely it's not out of the goodness of their hearts. Surely it's because they want to brag that they have a) money to go on fancy vacations and bring back foreign candies, b) a mother who loves them and sends them more homemade cookies than they could possibly consume themselves, or c) the energy and know-how to bake elaborate multi-layered red velvet cakes in their downtime instead of just buying a jumbo bag of Hershey's miniatures and mindlessly gorging themselves while watching Jeopardy! reruns and then getting really depressed when they see the huge pile of wrappers and dumping the wrappers into the garbage and kind of arranging some other garbage over them so their roommates don't see how much chocolate they ate on a Tuesday night.

 

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The Early Bird is somehow on their third slice before you even got the "leftover pizza in the kitchen" email. How do they do it? Did they bribe the IT department for a faster internet connection than everyone else? Or are they literally hitting refresh on their email client all day long, squatting by their desk in anticipation of the starter's gun? More likely, they just have zero shame about heading to the kitchen IMMEDIATELY after learning of free food, while everyone else is busy pretending they'll grab a brownie after "sending this important email," even though we all know there's nothing more important than brownies.

 

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Known outside the office setting as "your mom," The Picker stubbornly refuses to just get a plate and eat a regular portion of food. Instead, they opt for an infuriating combination of asking for a bite of other people's portions, using their fingers to pick up crumbs along the edges of the serving platter, and slicing a bite-sized donut hole down the middle and leaving half for someone else. This person makes you want to grab them by the shoulders and say, "Have some self-respect! You're an adult, and you deserve an entire donut hole." And then slap their gross fingers away from the platter before they spread their germs all over it.

 

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This person clearly wants to be part of the camaraderie of the office while also avoiding doing their work, but when asked if someone can cut them a slice of cake, they say something stupid like, "No thanks, I shouldn't."

OH REALLY THEN WHY ARE YOU HERE?

GO BACK TO YOUR DESK

YOU'RE BLOCKING THE FORKS

MOVE

 

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C'mon. That novelty "World's Largest Gummi Bear" that the boss brought in was funny to TRY, less funny to cut a sizable chunk out of ten minutes later once you realized that it actually tasted pretty good, and way, way less funny to continue eating the next day when it's still in the kitchen but its head, arms and legs have been gradually hacked away so that it's now just a dusty gummi torso. The Vulture knows they are disgusting, and they have an appropriate amount of shame, but they also cannot stop themselves. The siren's call of free snacks will always overpower their wiser instincts, as it inevitably overpowers us all.

 

Illustrated by Stefan Giurgiu (mtfr).