Listen up, MUSIC: You sing about the same things too often!!! Here are 10 Topics We Have More Than Enough Songs About. Please read this then stop writing songs about these things and START writing songs about other things. What other things? I don't know, YOU figure it out, I'm not the song man.

YOU'RE WELCOME!!! Please mail all royalty checks 2 my mom's house and thanks.

 

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We've all been on trains. They move at medium speeds along a track and take you from Philly to D.C. for a little less money than planes, and you can get snacks on them. That's about it! They're fine, but not very exciting! And they're definitely not sexual (even when they're going into tunnels) or "crazy" (even when they go off the track, which they NEVER do, unless there's been some impossible mistake or it's 1870).

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Hey music: Rain sucks! It ruins your day and isn't poignant. Although if you're laying in bed then it does sound cool, but songs are never about rain sounding cool in bed. Why aren't any rain songs about that? They're always like, "I got dumped then it rained," or the rain is a metaphor for Vietnam, or someone left their cake out in the rain (that's a reference to the classic 1968 song "Rain Cakers", obviously). It's just wet sky piss.

 

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Man, songs REALLY do not want you to stop. Songs are always like, "Keep doing the thing! Don't stop doing the thing!" etc. Uhhh, relax, song! For the record, the "Thing" is either a specific dance, a DJ or band playing music, putting your hands in the air, or fucking (or a combo therein).

What if we just assume we should not stop doing anything, then just have songs tell us when it IS time to stop? Wouldn't that be less redundant? Just trying to be practical here, and as we all know, practicality is the HEART of Music. (Classic James Brown quote. From his 35 minute impromptu TED talk in the middle of Live At The Apollo.)

 

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We have enough dance crazes. There's only so many things you can do with your body anyway, and we can just cycle through the existing ones for the rest of time and be fine. Plus they're all, like, 5-12% different. They're like new Mortal Kombat characters; like, that's clearly just the last dude, only red and with a hat. They're the dancing equivalent of that. But thanks for all the effort throughout the years, Dance Craze Aristans!

 

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There's LOTS of songs about needing heroes, heroes coming along, or being a hero, but you know what's a word people rarely use in real life? "Hero." Unless they're talking about fictional superheroes, or big sandwiches and they're in the New York tri-state area. And even then, that just brutally underscores how FEW songs we have about big sandwiches. Why aren't there more sandwich songs? Sandwiches literally come up in my life on a near-daily basis. People-heroes never do. Where's the music for MY generation??

 

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Eyes are great! They make you see and shit, and other peoples' eyes look nice! But honestly, there's like, 6 different types of eyes, and they just get recycled from human to human like God's own Nintendo "Mii" creator. There's only so much you can say about them, even if they are sometimes "lyin" and other times "of the tiger." Sometimes both, when tigers are lyin'. Which is surprisingly often! Either way, songs got it covered.

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Fire has been around since the beginning of mankind! That was like, 1000 years ago man! Granted, it's pretty kickass and it burns shit and overlaps with love / passion / copulation and all, but surely there's some cool new thing to compare burning passion to besides fire, right? Some new modern stuff? Like, Lasers? ROBOTS? Seamless dot com? (Aka "The Big Three")


Not ALL passion "BURNS," by the way. C'mon. Some love sucks! Speaking of which...

 

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Cool, great, you're in love! Why don't you and your "baby" go sing about it! And then go to some mountaintop and shout your love to the heavens and be together forever! CONGRATUFUCKINLATIONS! You fucking dicksong. Shut up. All of you. All of you songs about love should all shut up. And there's, like, DOZENS of em!

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Ohhh, look at you, you're SO in love that now you're going to express those feelings physically, thus achieving emotional and physical pleasure! WHOOOO CARES. T.M.INFORMATION, MUSIC. Stop singing about this dumb shit NO ONE wants to hear about. GOD. Fuuuck.


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Whatever. How bout some more songs about numbered mambos?

 

(Pics via Shutterstock)