1. "If you're looking for quiet, this is the place for you!"
If you like to cook, talk, or shower, this is not the place for you, as all of those make too much noise and noise is not tolerated in this quiet, tranquil retreat. Headphones are required at all times, and if you so much as THINK about flushing the toilet (which is not quiet, need I remind you), the silent thunder will be brought down upon you. The good news is that music and television are permitted ... as long as they are not audible.
2. "420 Friendly"
"Friendly" really means "Best Friends Ever with Marijuana." Block-dyed tapestries bought at music festivals hang on the walls, bongs are used as cups, and poncho sweaters are a wardrobe staple. A giant woodcut of Bob Marley hangs in the living room, because it is definitely "art," and the TV has a 13-inch screen -- but bonus, it comes with a VCR, so...pretty awesome. There is only one house rule here: Do not EVER eat Funyuns that don't belong to you. EVER.
3. "So rustic and charming!"
This place is falling apart. The insulation is peeking out from behind the wood paneling wallpaper and the tap water is a weird yellow-brown color. The windows have been sealed shut with a caulking gun -- part of a failed attempt at child-rendering -- and the heater rattles when it is both on and off. Speaking of temperature control, you can forget about air conditioning. That kind of power demand would short-circuit the entire block, because it's in a really quaint, historic neighborhood ...
4. "Quaint, historic neighborhood."
You will get shot here. Built in the 1950's as an answer to suburbanization, all of these homes are single-story squares with no character, no driveway, and absolutely no guarantee that you will make it out of here alive. Most of the lawns go unkempt, and boarded up windows outnumber those still-functional. There is one sweet lady, yes, but she sleeps beneath a portrait of Tupac with a semi-automatic nestled under her pillow.
5. "You won't even know the other roommate is here!"
Chances are, this "invisible" roommate has a house arrest anklet and is (still) a faithful MySpace user. Don't feel turned off because this roommate will not partake in any conversation, casual or otherwise. You can always find out their every thought and emotion by reading their LiveJournal, on which they post religiously. While it's great they will give you your space, try not to piss off this introverted roommate...as they are most likely a serial killer.
This person takes themselves a little too seriously. For them, having a regular paycheck makes them professional, regardless that the regular paycheck comes from Hardee's. And while you may not be impressed that this fully-functioning adult pays their child support on time, it is worth mentioning that they keep all the (unpaid) bills in the same kitchen drawer -- and boy are they ready to brag about it.
7. "Pictures to follow."
There are no pictures of this place, because it sucks. If you are dumb enough to be interested in a "pictures to follow" post, then you will receive pictures janked off a Google Image search, meaning they are definitely not of the available space. Sure, it has a beautiful courtyard with a fountain in the pictures, but when you arrive in person, the fountain is actually a busted fire hydrant and the courtyard is a congested interstate. So, congrats, idiot. You just fell for the oldest trick on Craig's List.
8. "Large room available!"
You can rent my walk-in closet...for only $1400/month plus utilities!