So you're looking to SPICE UP your sex life with a little 'S&M' action, but you don't know the first thing about how to incorporate 'pain' into your pleasure? Don't worry! Here are some super light S&M techniques that anyone can do (sometimes even intentionally!) to help you work your way up, starting with just a little bit of mild discomfort!
Position #1: Having Sex While You Kind Of Have To Pee A Little
How It Works: As your makeout-session turns sexual, suddenly realize that you have to pee, but feel too selfconscious to run to the bathroom, then proceed to have sex while KIND OF HAVING TO PEE THE WHOLE TIME AND CONSTANTLY THINKING ABOUT IT. Pretty RISQUE, huh??
How Do I Know If I've Done It Right? The sex should take forever (not like, R&B Song "Making love all night" sexy 'Forever', but like, "WHYYYY is this not ending yet" forever. Then afterwards you won't have to pee and you'll be like "uhoh...did I somehow technically pee during that?"
Position #2: Having Sex On A WEEKNIGHT
How It Works: Another classic novice S&M position. Just have sex however you want, but do it on a weeknight when you have to wake up the next morning. EMBRACE THE PAIN.
How Do I Know If I've Done It Right? You'll wake up, look at your phone, not believe the time, convince yourself you have to be reading the time wrong, then after realizing you're super late and panicking, you'll throw on some terrible clothes and rush out, spending the rest of the day TIRED AND SELF-CONSCIOUS ABOUT YOUR SMELLY UNSHOWEREDNESS.
Position #3: Having Cool Spontaneous Sex Somewhere That Isn't Your Bedroom And It Ends Up Being Really Uncomfortable
How It Works: Try to convince each other that you're passionate, spontaneous love-makers like those sexy actors in the talkies and launch right into your love-making in ANY ROOM on ANY SURFACE!!! Then quickly realize it's not comfortable for either of you but push forward anyway because you don't want to seem super NOT spontaneous.
How Do I Know If I've Done It Right? If you're a dude, your knees and/or neck should be sore as hell, and if you're a lady, you NAME it, it probably hurts now! And remember, "SORE" equals "SEXY", according to THIS SENTENCE AND ONLY THIS SENTENCE. YEAHHH.
Position #4: A Roleplay Where You're A Little Mad At Your Partner For Something Really Trivial
How It Works: Dominant/Submissive 'Roleplay' is a slightly more advanced technique, but here's a good starting point:
Find something really trivial that your partner has done -- they said they'd do the dishes last night after you cooked, then just filled the pots with water to let them soak, now it's a day later and they still haven't done them. Now proceed to have sex, but remember this detail and let it bother you a little. Then get bothered by the fact that you're allowing yourself to get bothered by something so stupid. And finally, get bothered that you're getting bothered while you're in the middle of sex. YEAHHH. How does that FEEL?
How Do I Know If I've Done It Right? You should feel a rush of adrenaline as you escape from your mundane "regular self" into your fantasy roles as "person bothered by small thing" and "person who did the small thing and doesn't know you're bothered by it, even though you slightly frowned once during the sex." Some people find this power struggle EXTREMELY erotic and addictive.
For a more ADVANCED roleplay, try "Being mad at your partner because an attractive high school friend of theirs liked their status."
Position #5: Just Get Super Fucking Drunk
How It Works: You both get really really really drunk, then go home and attempt to have sex. It will simultaneously be a disaster and literally impossible to remember!
How Do I Know If I've Done It Right? You'll wake up the next morning in some state of nakedness and quickly piece together that you attempted to have sex the previous night, right after you opened a bag of Tostitos to make drunken chip-mustard-pickle mini-sandwiches. Then you'll suddenly PANIC that someone's pregnant and you both have horrible STDs, even though you used a condom, and someone left their pants on, and you may not have even high-fived successfully, let alone had intercourse.
WHAT A RUSH, RIGHT??? Congratulations, you are now a MASTER of Super-Light S&M!
Next week: We move on to Super-Light S&M LEVEL TWO techniques, including "Leaving The Lights On," "Having Sex Around The Laptop on the Bed," and "Handjob For Some Reason." Happy Sexing!
Illustrations by Katie Rose.