Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
7 Ways to Watch the World Cup without Compromising Your Americanness
June 12, 2014
1. Call it "soccer." If anyone refers to this ball-foot game as anything crazy like "football," correct the idiot.
2. Don't ask questions--unless, of course, they're obnoxious and absolutely will not lead to you learning anything about soccer. Like "People really watch this?"
2. Pronounce the players' names wrong. "Wa-y-NE Ro-ONE-y?" I mean, what even is that?
3. Complain. Now that you've seen a half or halve--Who knows? It's IMPOSSIBLE to tell with the clock counting up--and definitely understand the game, you are totally in a position to call soccer "boring" and the players "babies."
4. Get a "U.S.A." chant started. If people are going to be IN YOUR FACE about their country with their shirts and, well, just shirts--oh, I see a scarf!--you might as well get to yelling. Assuming you haven't already.
5. Lose interest in the American team the second you're no longer chanting.
6. Drink heavily and repeat steps 1-5, but louder and with someone who is actually trying to watch the game's STUPID scarf on.
7. Go back to watching REAL football (reporters freaking out because Johnny Manziel swallowed a penny).
We like you. Do you like us too?
Don't ask me again.